Tide

Chapter 37

It had been a month since school started, and I still found myself not doing well.

One day I came home to find my mother at the kitchen table, gesturing for me to sit down next to her. I stopped in my tracks and eyed her suspiciously, wondering what she wanted to tell me. Hesitantly, I pulled out a chair and took a seat, pressing my hands together and waiting for her to say something. Pause. Silence. Finally, 

"Ava..." She trailed off for a second, swallowing hard. I watched her carefully, waiting. "The school called," she said, "the teachers are worried about you."

That was what she was worried about? I nearly rolled my eyes, feeling a little annoyed. "Mom, listen, I--"

She cut me off. "They say you haven't been focusing in class or handing in your homework."

"Mom, just let me--"

"Is that true, Ava?"

I didn't know what to say. Another pause. She watched me, but I refused to look at her. I couldn't.

"No," I muttered.

She took my hand, and it made me feel a little calmer, but then she whispered, "Don't lie to me, honey. I just want to help you."

I felt it now -- anger -- burning in my veins, bubbling in my blood. It grew, swelling inside of my chest, crushing down on my lungs. "What do you want me to say?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Ava, I think you should go back to Ms. Campbell."

This made me furious. 

"For therapy? I'm not crazy, Mom."

Ms. Campbell had no idea what it was like to survive a tsunami, lose all of your loved ones, and never be able to live a normal life again. She had absolutely no idea. 

"I don't need help, Mom. You're the one who's in denial that they're gone anyway. You're the one who hasn't been talking about them at all! They're dead! They're not coming back! I don't need a therapist to make that clear to me!"

"Ava! Don't you think that--"

"I'm not going back!"

"Listen to me--"

"Ms. Campbell can't help me."

"Ava--"

"They're gone! They're gone and they're not coming back! Ms. Campbell isn't going to help me fix that!"

Mom was crying now. "Ava, please darling, I just--"

"They're not coming back!" I shouted, my voice clear and strong as I pulled my hand away from hers, shaking and trembling, refusing to let myself cry.

"Please, Ava..."

I stopped myself from saying anything else. If I did, I'd break down, and I wasn't going to let that happen. I swallowed hard and kept my lips sealed.

She looked at me with an expression that made me feel a sickening amount of guilt -- her eyes were filled with pain and I could tell that she was restraining her tears. I hated myself for it. Even I evoked the memories in myself, now. I pictured Mason and Dad, and I pictured our once happy family sitting in this very kitchen, but now they were gone. I was right. They were gone and they weren't coming back. Mom knew it. I knew it. We just didn't want to accept it.

-------

A week later, I found myself sitting in front of Ms. Campbell.

She looked at me, offering me a sympathetic smile. Silence floated through the air, awkwardly and uncomfortably. I had nothing to say. I didn't want to talk about anything. I was angry. Furious. I didn't want to be there.

"That boy--" she began.

I winced. "Can we not talk about him?"