Tide

Chapter 44

I recalled the car ride home. It was long. Emotional. My mother had questioned me, asking me what was wrong. The more questions she asked, the more pressure I felt building up. And then I broke down, and she tried to comfort me while she listened to my agony, my sorrow. Soon enough, she pulled over on the side of the road, a few tears sliding down her cheeks as well. Memories came flooding back. And for a while, we just sat there, letting it all out, remembering my brother and father.

By the time I got home, I felt tired. My thoughts weren't, though. They spiraled through my head, running around aimlessly like gas particles. I made my way to my room, plopped down on my bed, then rolled onto my back and watched the ceiling. I wished I could fall asleep, just so my thoughts could fade away for a while. I thought maybe - hopefully - they'd be replaced with a dream. Perhaps a nightmare. I didn't care. As long as my thoughts slipped away and I didn't think about them.

I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep. Instead, I stared blankly at the ceiling, my mind numb.

I flinched a little when I heard the sound of the phone ring. It was loud and clear, and I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to curl up in my blanket and fall into a deep sleep. I didn't get out of bed to pick it up. Instead, my mother answered it.

When she came into my room and said the call was for me, I assumed it was Piper, or perhaps Nolan. Maybe they were wondering why I wasn't at school.

I was wrong.

When I pressed the phone to my ear, I heard a familiar voice I hadn't heard in a while: Isaac's.

"Ava?" he said. My heart stopped.

"Hi," I said quietly. "I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you?"

"I'm fine, I guess. And you?"

"I'm good." I was so happy he had called, I could feel the adrenaline pumping through me and a smile lifting to my cheeks. "What have you been up to?"

"Not much."

I bit my lip, anxiously waiting for him to say more. "So... What made you call?"

For a while, he didn't respond. There was just a long bit of silence, until finally, he said, "Listen, Ava... I don't know how to put this..."

My smile faded instantaneously. I sat up. "Put what?"

Pause.

"Isaac? What do you mean?"

"I just..." He released a tremulous breath. "I... Promise me you won't get mad. Okay?"

I still didn't know what he was talking about. I swallowed hard, waiting for him to say more. "Okay, yeah. Sure." There was no answer. Another long pause, instead. "Isaac?"

There were sniffles and shaky breaths on the other end of the line. I could feel my pulse beating in my ears, fear immobilizing me.

Finally, he spoke, his voice breaking as he tried to find his words.  "I can't do this anymore. It hurts, Ava."

"What hurts?"

He choked on his words. "It hurts," he repeated, "everything. I don't know... I just--"

"Isaac, what's going on? Tell me what happened."

"I hate it," he said.

"Hate what?"

He continued, his voice cracking with emotion. "Everything. Living. I hate it, Ava. I hate it. Every day, you don't understand... It's relentless torture. It's like I'm trapped in a loop. My aunt - she grieves for her sister - every fucking day. Harper cries every night.  Every night, Ava. And here I am trying to hold myself together. But I can't, Ava. I can't. I can't do it anymore."

"Isaac--"

"Why am I even here? Why me? I'm no one special. Why didn't I die instead, Ava? Why did it have to be them?"

"Don't say that. You know--"

"Listen to me: I want you to stay strong. Harper too, alright? Make sure she stays strong. For me. Do it for me. You'll do it for me, right? You promise? Ava?"

My heart dropped when I registered what he was saying. A scream ripped out of my throat. "Isaac, no!"

"Don't change. Please, Ava, please don't change. You're so beautiful, so amazing, and you just deserve everything you--"

"Isaac, no. Stop it. You're scaring me!"

"Don't be scared, Ava," he said in almost a whisper, "please don't be scared."

"But I love you." I blurted, "I love you, Isaac. I love you so, so much. Don't you hurt yourself, Isaac! Don't you dare!" There was a long pause. My heart pounded even louder. I was afraid he had hung up. "Isaac? Answer me, Isaac!"

Another long pause. It felt like forever. Worry and dread ran through my veins, fear engulfing me, pressing its weight against my chest and making it hard to breathe. I couldn't help the hammering my heart made each second that went by. Finally, he whispered, "Don't make this difficult for me, Ava. Please don't make this difficult."

"Isaac, don't--"

He cut me off. "Christ, I should have known."

"Known what, Isaac? Isaac, please--"

"Known that you wouldn't fucking understand! That you would make this difficult! I thought... I thought that of all people... You would understand."

"I do, Isaac. I do understand--"

"No. You don't, Ava."

I found myself crying, pleading for him to stay. I didn't know what else to do. My voice trembling, I murmured, "Think about me, Isaac. And your sister. There are tons of people who love you, Isaac."

"That's bullshit, Ava!"

He was sobbing uncontrollably now, barely managing to speak, and for a while, we just cried together, while I kept begging him to understand that he was worth something -- that he meant the world to me. 

After a while, he spoke again, his voice barely audible as he murmured, "I'm sorry, Ava. I'm so, so sorry. But please, please don't worry about me. I just want you to be okay. That's why I called. I just want you to understand. It hurts. I can't--"

"No, Isaac. You can get through this. We can get through this. Together."

"Listen carefully princess, there's a letter for--"

"No, Isaac! Don't do this! Please! I've already lost two people, Isaac. Please. I can't lose you too!"

"I'm so sorry, Ava."

"Please!" I cried. "Isaac, please! I love you--"

"This was a bad idea..."

"Isaac! Wait--"

"I have to go. Goodbye, Ava."

"Wait, no! Isaac--"

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Please don't change. I love you."

And then the line was cut, leaving me in tears, dreading what he would do next.

A/N: Cliffhanger hehe... Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Feel free to comment any feedback, requests, questions etc. Thanks for reading!
-Jules