So You Used to Be Human - Book 3 (Original Version)

Chapter 18: Consequences of Being

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Laughter from Jaime was the last thing that I expected to hear, especially after her not-so-great reception with Madame Vera earlier, but there it was, that familiar sound that used to brighten my day and make me want to know what the joke was so I could laugh with her.

I could see Jaime in the huge monstrosity that Madame Vera referred to as a kitchen and she looked strangely at home as she listened to someone just out of sight from me. A half-eaten monster of a sandwich hovered in front of her face, her hand undecided about if it wanted to feed her face or put the damn sandwich down because it was so heavy.

"...She was quite something back in the day our Louise was. One time she caught religion and there ain't nothing sadder than a vampire who's gone and caught religion."

That voice belonged to Vernon, butler, grave-robber, wanna-be morgue extortionist and lab-technician to Madame Vera. He was also one hundred percent human and had probably met every vampire who had ever come through Madame Vera's mausoleum. He had tried to extort forty thousand dollars from me within the first minute of meeting me, but that was just Vern, nothing personal at all.

I could see Vern as I approached the kitchen, now deliberately trying to be as quiet as possible. Vern was carving a turkey and had a mess of bacon on the grill in front of him, the same bacon whose smell had grabbed and enticed me from way across the other end of the mansion. He was un-ironically wearing an apron that read "Don't bite the cook" over his crisp black suit.

"Yeah I can't imagine Louise ever being religious. Or a vampire for that matter." A thought occurred to Jaime. "How can vampires even get religion? Aren't they supposed to be like allergic to religion or something?"

"That's a straight lie that is, first popularized by Abdul bin Sahad back in the eighteen hundreds. He wanted to give some glimmer of hope to regular folks, so he made up a few imaginary weaknesses of vampires and then the rest of them just played along. One of the biggest practical jokes of the modern era."

"Why would he do that?"

"To avoid extermination, luv. Once word got out that vampires were real, the best way to control the reaction was with misinformation. Thankfully people are gullible and ol' Harry is good at misinformation. Repeat information enough times and it eventually becomes the truth. Worked out nicely though since after only a few years, vampires went back to being myths once again and the lies became part of the myth. It was better to have some idiot stake you in the heart and walk away patting himself on the back for a job well done, than have him chopping off yer freaking head, right?" Vern grinned toothily. "Ain't no coming back from getting the chop."

"What about turning someone back into a human?" Jaime asked after a moment. "Has that ever been done?"

Vern's eyes flicked over to me and I knew he had spotted me a while ago. He looked back to Jaime and shrugged.

"That all depends on who you ask. Some people will say that it can't be done, and then others... they'll tell you a story of someone who's actually done it."

Jaime turned to look at me and took a bite out of her sandwich. I shrugged and grinned as confidently as I could.

"Thankfully I know some people with the right stories," I said and what do you know? I sounded more confident than I felt.

Jaime gestured to Vern. "Vernon's got some stories."

I nodded and looked at the slyly grinning Vern who had possibly spotted an opportunity. I shook my head. "There's only one way to get information from ol' Vern here and that's through paying him."