So You Used to Be Human - Book 3 (Original Version)

Chapter 1: Leaving Town

Vampires do not fly coach.

When you're a vampire, the simple act of leaving town becomes a hugely monumental task, the kind of epic that Operas are written specifically for large busty women to sing. Tears would be shed, flowers thrown and blouses possibly ripped at the arias sung over this epic. It would inspire a standing ovation as every single person made an instant connection and understood, even if no one in the audience spoke a single word of Italian. When dealing with the act of traveling you don't even have to add any invading armies, tales of otherworldly betrayal or wailing harpies to make the epic that much more epic. All you have to do is start at point A and then try like hell to get to point B without burning yourself to a crisp... or if you're human, get to point B without passing through the rest of the alphabet on the way.

Since I was a vampire, I definitely wanted the not-crispy choice.

"Whose plan is this again?" Claude wanted to know.

"Well, part of it is Harry's. I've been trying to figure out why he wants me to drive instead of letting me fly, but I think I'm getting the idea now..."

"You know you can't fly commercial, right?" Claude was giving me that look again, the look that asked if I knew how much of an idiot I was.

I was stubborn, though. There had to be a way to follow Harry's plan without actually following it at all. Right? Maybe there was, but I couldn't see it. I shrugged at Claude. If he wanted to be Mister-Smart-Guy, then he could bloody well tell me.

"Why not?" I asked.

Seriously, go ahead and try. You already know how much difficulty you have as a human to book and board a flight even just an hour away, much less 6 hours away. Buffalo to New York City is not even 45 minutes, but by the time you add security stops, the long lines at the worst times of day and having to get to the airport at least 1 hour ahead of time, you end up spending six hours of your life for a 45-minute trip.

I'll tell you right now that modern air travel seems to have been designed to kill vampires or make it, so we're forever stuck to traveling in coffins in the cargo holds of the planes. You've no doubt seen the tropes however overly dramatic with the native soil and whatever other bullshit people want to throw in. You know, the one with the vampire having to travel by coffin. Do you know how heavy a coffin is? Throw in a body on top of that weight and you're already over most weight limits. By the time you add soil of any kind (and why the hell would you unless you're a massive freak of a vampire who likes to suffocate) that coffin is already pushing 600 pounds. This is highly impractical for most air travel, but yet we always have to see it in a movie as a clever way to explain that this traveler is a vampire. Not bloody likely.

"Why doesn't he just get a private jet for you and fly you down to Texas? It's not like he can't afford it." Claude was once again pointing out the obvious, which was a question I'd personally asked Harry when he outlined his plan on how I was supposed to lure my psycho sometime-ex-lover-sport-fuck-serial-killer-girlfriend Beatrice, away from the city.

"He wants me to make some stops and make some noise so that Beatrice leaves the city and comes after me instead."

"This plan blows. Why don't we hunt the bitch where she lives?"

"Nobody knows where or how to find her."

"And now you're the bait."

"Lucky me."

When most vampires choose to travel, they aren't even on the same plane as you. They're usually on a private plane with other vampires, a plane that has specially designed windows that allow no sunlight in when the plane inevitably crosses into the daytime hours. What? You think your average trust-fund kiddie vampire is going to be flying coach sitting next to your broke ass, trying very hard not to combust because some idiot just had to open his blinds? Not bloody likely. Even with the best of planning, with the way flights are delayed, turned around and generally fucked with in terms of staying on schedule, travel by airline is a statistical nightmare for any vampire.