the day i met him ↠ phan

Part 7- Apologies

I woke up in a clean smelling white room. It smelled strongly of running alcohol, I quite enjoyed the smell it made things feel clean. I heard a faint beeping sound and when I looked down I saw a needle stuck into my hand taped down and connected to a clear pouch that was hanging onto a long pole. I tried sitting up but stopped midway because of the sharp pain I felt in my lower abdomen area. As I laid back down I could hear Phil's voice coming from the other room and as I was thinking of him, the doctor came into the door "There is someone named Phil here to see you" he glided out of the door frame and in came Phil. He looked so stressed out and more, I dunno sick. He looked so pale and under his eyes were dark circles. His hair was unkempt and oily looking, this was my fault. How could I be so selfish and do this to myself without thinking of Phil first. But it doesn't make sense. I thought Phil wanted this, I thought he would be happy. I thought this was what he wanted.

He walked closer to me, cautiously taking each step. He sat in a chair and just sat there, staring at me with such hurt in his eyes I had no explanation to how hurt he looked.

He sighed before saying "Dan..." he looked down, pulling on the side of his fringe in frustration. "Why" he choked out before bursting into tears, holding his head in his hands and hiding his face. I didn't know what to say I thought he read the note.

"Didn't you read the note? I explained it" I said harshly, slightly scooting away from his direction. He looked up and nodded his eyes much like a sad puppy.

"Well? Why are you asking me this" he looked even more hurt at my words but what did it matter? He knows he doesn't love me anyways.

"Because...i don't understand why you would think I didn't love you Dan." he looked down towards the ground as he said this, as if ashamed of it.

"I know you love her and you'll never love me because I'm not good enough for you and I never will be." I said, starting to feel tears forming in my eyes.

He looked up suddenly and shook his head "No Dan. You've got it all wrong just please let me explain this. Please"  I simply nodded, not wanting to speak because I know he'll see my hurricane of emotions through my voice.

"I...Im gay but I didn't want to believe it, so I got a girlfriend and tried to distract myself from you. Even though I was with her I thought of her more as a friend than a lover, but you....I couldn't stop thinking of you. I can't stop loving you. And it hurts. I hate it but I will learn to accept it and live on because I'm in love with you no matter your gender." he smiled through his tears, grabbing my hand and I accepted it. But I still didn't understand.

"Phil. It's going to take me a long time to get through this pain and forget that you did this but I know I will and right now I need a bit of time to think but don't worry. I know things are going to work out." I squeezed his hand and explained that I need my time to think. I'm not sure if I should forgive him and let our love over come this. Should I forget about my first love and accept his mistake and move on from that or should I find another to enjoy life with and erase him from my memories? My mind was pounding from all of this stress and confusion so I turned around in my bed and closed my eyes, unsure of what to think of this current situation.

I wake up and see Phil sleeping in the corner of the room, I sigh and look at the time. 12:16 am. I wanted to go home. Now. I don't feel safe here. My breaths are becoming sharper and more harder to take in so I push the button on the side of the bed, used to call in the nurses. She comes in quickly with a look of worry on her face but when she sees I'm okay her body loosens up.

"Yes?" she says now a slight hint of annoyance in her voice. "Erm I would like to go home now?" she sighs and shakes her head.

"I'm sorry but your going to be released tomorrow but you will be going to a therapist appointment to have help on keeping your mental stability in good condition" she left the room before giving me a chance to respond. I guess it's reasonable to have a therapist after trying to take my life but I'm petrified. Having a therapist means opening up and getting personal and I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

I decided that since it was late I had to get some rest if I wanted to look decent when I went to see the therapist. When I woke up this time Phil was patiently waiting at the side of the bed again this time with Starbucks. I loved Starbucks especially around this time of year because of all the seasonal flavors. Phil shot his head my way and took the drink from the holder.

"Here I bought you this because I know you like the seasonal drinks." he smiled and I took the drink while sitting up. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He looked specifically good today, not that he never looked good because obviously he does but today he was wearing a nice galaxy jumper and a black shirt underneath and some black skinny jeans. His hair was in a quiff because he naturally wakes up like that. His eyes looked so bright and filled with happiness and joy he was just so stunning.

We drank our drinks for a while until they let me leave the hospital. It was painful to sit up on the bed, like of someone was sitting on my chest and at the same time stabbing my stomach. Phil helped me though so it was okay in the end. I had to be wheeled out which sucked because I could walk myself. They were treating me like a child it was so annoying but I eventually left and got to drive over there with Phil to get my schedule for the week. If all goes well I will see the therapist less than 3 times a week and I'll be free after a month or so.

We pulled up to a fancy building and walked in. There was a few couches
And it looked much like a living room except more...home like. We sat on the couch and waited for them to call us and a few minutes later they called me and I got my schedule. Apparently I'm scheduled for tomorrow at 3:30pm. After I showed Phil we started walking out the door when Phil grabbed my hand tightly and said "I love you Dan. Don't forget that and please don't die. I'm so sorry. Please"

He looked so sincere and sad so I grabbed his hand back and squeezed saying "I won't Phil. I love you too. That will never change."