the day i met him ↠ phan

Part 8- Mine

I've been in therapy for the past few weeks and it's really helped me, I still have suicidal thoughts and I still put myself down but it's unintentionally. It's not only the therapy that helped it was Phil too. Phil has been really encouraging lately and he's always there for me when I have an existential crisis. He's so helpful, but I still never gave him a real answer. I think it's time to tell him I forgive him and I understand. I really do understand, I just had a hard time accepting the fact that my love for Phil was so strong I thought taking my life would be the solution. Apparently not, I now realize how stupid it was, how selfish. I didn't even once think of how Phil would react. Yes I thought of how he would react in my own little world but not once did I stop to think how he really would.

I sipped the last few drops of my coffee and put the cup in the sink.

It's going to be okay
Phil will know and things will be okay
You'll be okay

I take a deep breath, and walk into his room. His eyes dart up from him book he was reading and looked at me.

"Oh hey Dan, everything okay?" he said, placing his book down on the night stand.

I sat down next to him "I forgive you Phil" I said, looking away from his bright blue eyes.

He looked confused at first but soon gave a look of relief. He sighed, throwing his hands in the air "finally. I was so stressed over that. Thanks Dan" he pulled me in for a hug. I loved how safe I felt when I was in his arms. It was tight, which made it better. Eventually we let go, and when we did it was a bit awkward but Phil broke the silence like always.

"So, why did you just now decide to forgive me?" he chuckled.

I scratched the back of my neck nervously. Should I tell him the truth? Yes you should. Do it Dan.

"Um well actually" I chuckled nervously "it's a long story"

"I have time" he positioned himself in a more comfortable way and got ready to listen.

"Okay well, after I tried to commit suicide, I realised how selfish I am and a but after that, I also realised that I.....loved you more than I thought I did. I thought 'I love Phil so much that I thought taking my life was the right thing to do' so I eventually settled with that fact" I looked away, nervous about what his reaction would be.

"Dan, I love you so much too and I know it doesn't seem that way because I distance myself from you but it's only because I'm afraid that you don't want me there. You wouldn't like me to hold your hands and tell you how beautiful you really are." he gazed into my eyes, his blue ones pooling with tears. I grabbed his hand to reassure him that it was okay and I smiled.

Phil loves me. He loves me. The one and only Phil Lester loves me and I have the chance to steal his heart.

I'm so lucky to have him. I know he's not mine yet, even if I only have him as a friend.

I looked at him and saw that he was returning the stare. I couldn't help but look at his lips, the urge was too strong and they just looked so soft and kissable. When I looked back into his eyes, I noticed he was leaning in. The gap between us was slowly closing, my heart was racing faster than ever. Before I knew it, the space between us was closed and our lips were connected finally. I've waited for this moment for so long, finally it's here.

His lips were so soft and warm, I loved this feeling so much. I want more but I couldn't have it.

We pulled away, both breathless. I smiled so wide my cheeks started hurting. Phil did the same and we just sat there for a while, enjoying each others presence. Our hands were still linked together, this day couldn't be more perfect.

He suddenly spoke up, breaking the comfortable silence "Dan, could you sleep with me tonight"

I nodded "Sure Phil" I said, sliding into the blankets and motioning for Phil to join me. When he entered the blankets, it instantly became warm. I love his warmth so much. He brightens my day, warms me when I'm cold, and helps me when I need it the most.

I grabbed his waist, pulling his body into mine. I could smell his raspberry scent radiating off his skin. He always smelled so nice I could help but think about when the next time I'll be able to smell him again will be.

"Phil?" he turned around, now facing me.

"what is it Dan?" he asked, a look of concern plastered on his face.

"I've been meaning to ask you something" I said. My heart was racing faster than ever before, I was about to ask Phil a question that will confirm I will finally be able to call him mine and hold him when I want and protect him when he's in trouble or just simply love him when he wants to be loved.

He nodded, encouraging me to go on.

"Well I um" I scratched my neck "I wanted to ask you....wouldyouliketobemyboyfriend"
I spat it out so fast and all at once, I was afraid he wouldn't understand.

"Of course!" he shot up in bed, practically throwing himself in my arms. I was shocked at first at how excited he was but I soon accepted his gesture and returned it.

"I thought you would never ask" he said, releasing me and giving me that crooked smile I adored so much. I smiled back, I'm so happy that he said yes. Why would he say yes to me? I'm disgusting aren't I? I'm so confused.

Phil noticed the confused look and asked "What's wrong Dan? Aren't you glad I said yes" he frowned, grabbing my hand as well.

"No it's just that, I'm so confused. Why would you say yes....to me?"

He sighed, an obvious sign that he was dissapointed. "Dan I've told you. I love you and only you. I'm honestly a fool for you" he said, slightly chuckling.

For some reason I don't believe it but I go along anyway and nod my head.

Phil repositioned him self in bed and I joined along. He grabbed me, slightly pulling me in and kissing the back of my neck.

"I will always love you and I know you don't believe it right now, I could tell by your face Dan don't deny it. But believe me, I will show you how much I love you and how perfect you are so you could stop destroying and torturing yourself with these thoughts. It hurts me to see you hate yourself so much when really there's nothing to hate. Your perfect, and now I can call you mine. No one can take you from me, not even the darkness because I'll be here to protect you everyday. I promise Dan, I love you."