Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Only One

"What a stupid thing to say?!" Jerry screamed close to my face, making me flinch.

His fuse was so short that day. Every day it got shorter. I was beginning to just accept it. He had been shooting up all day before coming to the studio.

It was my only day off that entire week. I was exhausted but I wanted to spend time with Jerry. Only seeing him at night was not enough. When I went to work every day I felt so guilty for leaving him home alone with his demons. I used to tell my boss I was sick and I'd leave early to check on him. Eventually though, my boss got suspicious. I also had so many of our bills to pay so I had no choice but to pick up extra shifts. We were barely making it.

"Aw come on, Jer. Don't talk to her like that," Layne said.

Jerry stormed out of the room.

"Ya know Olivia," Sean said. "You shouldn't be dealing with him anymore. This is getting fuckin' ridiculous. I swear I don't understand why you keep sticking around that asshole."

Sean and Mike left to talk with Jerry. It was just me and Layne. We were both very quiet. I was still shaken up a bit. I looked down at the sparkle on my left hand, shaking my head.

"Olivia, please don't leave him."

"I won't," I said, trying to put on a smile. "I can't. I would never..."

"Jerry loves you. He really does. Mike and Sean never got as bad as Jerry is right now...but I have. If you left him, he would lose it, and he'll be gone."

"I don't know what to do anymore, Layne. I used to see the end of the tunnel, but now it's all dark. I wanna believe he's gonna be fine but it's so hard."

Layne sighed. "I used to be just as bad as he is right now and pulled through. I made it. You stay with him all the way, he'll pull through too. I promise. He's being a jerk right now and really stubborn. I know how tough it is to be with him but I also know how hard it is to be him. He needs you now more than ever. If you ever need my help give me a call, okay? I know you feel like you're alone and you're the only one, but you're not," Layne winked.

The rest of the guys came back into the studio. They wanted Jerry to apologize but he refused. He just kept rolling his eyes. The rest of the night was spent in silence with the exception of the music, the music that never saw the light of day. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Jerry burst into tears in bed later that night. It was becoming a normal part of our nights. It was a routine. It was becoming as normal as the cold and damp Seattle nights.

"What's wrong, baby?" I asked, holding him.

He just cried and didn't respond.

"It's okay, Jerry."

He cried a lot, and often didn't explain what was wrong. Jerry cried right into my ear.

"It's not okay, Olivia. I'm such an asshole to you. I don't even know why I treat you the way I do sometimes."

I didn't have anything to say. I just held him tighter.

"Please don't leave me, " he whispered, letting out another little cry. "I'm going to get better. Everything to going to be so fucking good. I promise. Just hang on for me. I know I don't deserve it but please hang on."

Jerry clung onto me tight. His long blond hair became a curtain around my head.

"Jerry I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I'm here for the long run. I tell you that all the time."

Jerry picked up my left hand, running his fingers over my knuckles. "I wanna go to bed with you and wake up next to you every single day for the rest of my life. We're going to have the best wedding ever. I'm going to be healthy and you're going to look as beautiful as you do now."

"Aw," I said. "I know. I've been dreaming about it, and I really can't wait."

"I'm so sorry...for everything. I really do love you, Olivia...so much."

"I love you too, Jerry. We can start tomorrow fresh and see what happens."

Jerry softly kissed my head before turning off the light.