Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

In Loving Memory

The contractions got closer and closer, stronger and stronger. As much as I appreciated having Layne's hand to squeeze, I wished it was Jerry's. Through all the stress and grief, I briefly forgot that there was a question about who the father was. The last ten minutes of labor were a blur; I don't even remember them.

When the baby was finally born, Layne and I looked at each other as the nurses cleaned him up.

"He looks just like Jerry," Layne smiled.

"Thank god," I replied.

Had the baby been Layne's the guilt of my betrayal would have followed me for the rest of the my life. He looked so much like Jerry we didn't even have to do a paternity test.

"I'm going to help you still, though. Don't worry."

For a moment, my heart sunk a bit. I thought about the now-empty apartment I had that I could no longer afford. I thought of everything I now had to provide and give to this child when I felt like I just had everything taken away from me.

The nurses gave me back the baby and a lot of my uneasy thoughts went away when he smiled at me. We weren't sure if Jerry's Dad would show up to see the baby because almost all of his family had abandoned when his drug use got heavier.

"Did you guys ever have a chance to talk about names?" Layne asked.

"Yeah, before I was even pregnant Jerry had ideas. The top boy name was Edward, or Eddie after..."

"Eddie Van Halen?" Layne smiled as he always did. "That's so Jerry, but it's perfect."

My mom was finally able to come in, catching the next flight. I looked at the ring on my finger because she did. I really, really didn't want to take it off and I didn't for a little while. She, like Layne, promised to stay and help me raise the baby. Layne left for a little to give us some privacy.

"I'll stay for a couple of months," she assured.

I was a bit surprised she'd be staying that long, especially after all the years we had spent apart.

"Thanks Mom," I sighed.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I just," I said, widening my eyes. "I have a lot on my mind...like how I'm gonna find a job. The restaurant said there's no guarantee I'd have a job there when I'm ready to work again."

"That's okay," Mom said. "You can do much better than being a waitress. You can do so much in this city. You can do what you came here to do...open a coffee shop or store of some kind. Whatever you do you'll be great at."

My mind raced in excitement as I thought about the possibilites now that I didn't have to take care of Eddie. Well, technically I did but this time there would be the opportunity for me to have time after Eddie grew up to do other things. Mom left and Layne came in so we could then have privacy.

"I just talked to your landlord. He's giving you two weeks but I'll take care of everything, okay?"

I sighed and looked down. "Are you sure about this Layne?"

"Liv, I promised you I'd help. I have plenty of room for you guys, including your mom and you can stay as long as you need to, until you can get back on your feet again. We both know that's what Jerry would want too."

We just smiled at each other. Alice in Chains was obviously at a standstill. The grief collided with the joy of the new baby as Mike and Sean joined us. With Jerry's death came another force of life. With Jerry's death came new life within hours.

Maybe this was destined to happen. Once the grief would subside a bit, things would fall into place. The guilt inside me was still so strong. The way I left and the way I slammed the ring down on the table replayed in my head over and over.

"Are you okay?" Layne asked, snapping me out of my zone.

"Yeah, I'm just a little out of it."

I felt my emotions began to spew out again.

"Why did I have to be so harsh with him?" I began to cry. "If I hadn't left, he wouldn't have done something so stupid. He would have seen the birth of his son and at least be around for a little while longer."

Layne shook his head and didn't really address what I had just said the way I thought he would.

"Wouldn't it be a great way to honor him and make sure his son has the best life possible? I know that's what Jerry would want."

I smiled in agreement and couldn't stop smiling. How could I not? There wasn't a chance I could look down at my son and NOT smile.