Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Finding Serenity

Layne talked to Jerry first. Surprisingly, he was pulling through. Layne stepped out and let me talk to Jerry alone. I sat on the stool at his bedside. He had clearly been crying all night with red and swollen eyes. I looked at the ring, my ring, sitting on the table.

He had a bandage over his bare, upper chest. Blood was leaking through it where he was shot.

Jerry took my hand and massaged my fingers.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I'm really...really sorry for everything," he pouted.

"I know you are, Jer. It's okay."

I winced, holding my stomach.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I smiled back. "He's almost here."

Jerry shook his head and grunted. He was in so much pain. He had been in pain for so many years. I knew that junk was going to be the thing that would kill him, but I never imagined this would be the way it'd happen.

"Liv, I don't...think I'm going to make it. You've been so good to me all these years. You've meant everything to me and you always will."

I looked down and heard him shuffling. I didn't even know what to say. When I looked back up, he had scooted over. He patted the space beside him. Jerry opened his arms as I slowly made my way into the bed. I put my hand on my stomach.

"Shit..." I gasped.

"Sweetheart," he said, putting his hand on my stomach too. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, he's been kicking a lot lately."

"I wanna," he cried. "I wanna be there for you guys. I really, really wanna be there, but I don't think I can."

Jerry closed his eyes. He was beginning to slip away from me, and then he opened them again. He was struggling. As much as it hurt, he needed to let go. It was more painful to watch his suffering. The monitors beeped erratically.

"Jerry, baby, if you need to let go, then you should let go."

"Liv I don't want you to tell him about me. Make up a story. Make up any other story about the dick head of a father I was."

"Jerry he should know about his father," I said, pushing aside the idea that I was going to lose him. "The media's going to find out eventually, anyway. There's no use in lying."

Jerry shook his head. I turned around as much as I could with my large belly to grab the ring off the table. His face lit up as I put the ring on and held his hand tightly. Jerry held me close.

"I'm going to tell him about you. I'm going to talk about how we met, and all the ways we cared about each other, like the way we do right now."

"Are you going to tell him about the other stuff?" Jerry asked.

"Jerry I can't lie to him about everything. I just can't."

Jerry sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"But I'm going to talk about all the good stuff. There's a lot of that too, Jer, that we don't have to lie about. We've had a lot of good times," I said, cuddling deeper into his chest. "We had such a strong bond and love that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I know," I cried. "I know that you hate yourself and I know that you think that you ruined everything and what we had was a waste, but it wasn't, Jerry. I don't regret being with you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'll be forever in love with you and it makes me happy that this little guy will remind me of you every day."

"I love this little guy," Jerry smiled, kissing my stomach. "You're the best mom. You're gonna take such good care of him. He's so lucky."

Jerry began to struggle again. I mean, he really struggled; I could barely watch. His eyes were closed and his face grimaced.

"Jerry," I cried softly as I looked up at him.

His eyes opened.

"Jerry, please let go. I want you to let go and find your peace. I know you're trying to hang on...but I don't want you to hurt anymore."

"You have to leave, now."

"Nuh uh. I told you I was gonna stay. I promised that I would stay and that's what I'm going to do, especially right now."

Jerry smiled and gasped. "O-okay."

I gently climbed higher on him and touched my forehead with his. Jerry wrapped his arms around me. As I lowered my head to kiss him, I felt his tears touch and run against my face. Our lips touched and I had never felt such a strong connection with him, or anyone, in my entire life. We both cried in each other's arms.

"I love you," he cried quietly.

"I love you too," I cried back.

He held me tight and I held him tight. I looked over to the monitor as Jerry flat-lined. I cried and cried with him, until he let out a final cough, and I was the last one able to cry. His grip around me disappeared. The red bled through the bandage and stained my shirt. I just laid on him. I heard Layne's footsteps and another person's. It was the doctor. I refused to move for hours. Layne wanted me to get up. My stomach was bothering me; I moaned and cried as I had one hand on my stomach and the other wrapped around Jerry's neck.

"Liv," Layne said, with tears in his eyes. "Come on, let's go see if the baby's alright. You should get checked out, at least."

"I'm not ready yet..."

The stress of everything was probably putting stress on the baby. I thought about what Jerry would say and want. He would want me to make sure our son was as healthy as possible.

"Olivia," the doctor said. "We need to make sure your baby is okay."

I sat up, still holding onto Jerry's hand. I lifted it up and kissed it.

Layne helped me follow the doctor into the exam room. I was moving especially slow. The doctor left for a second. I chose to stand up next to Layne, with him. Layne held me close.

"This really...sucks," I cried into his chest. I cried very, very hard.

Layne didn't say anything back. He squeeze back was enough. I winced and held onto my stomach.

"Oww..." I moaned.

"I'm gonna go find that doctor. Try not to panic, Liv," he smiled for the first time that day. "This is going to be amazing."

I nodded and smiled, thinking about meeting my baby. As soon as Layne grabbed the door handle, my water broke all over the floor. He looked at me and his jaw dropped. He looked at me and froze.