Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Split Road

Layne drove us over to the studio. The sun was peaking out, for the first time in a long time.

"It's been a while since I've been here," I said as we walked through the main entrance of the studio. "Haven't seen Mike or Sean in a while either...and Dave, I can't even remember..."

"They're excited to see you," Layne smiled. "This is going to be so great."

Layne and I entered the studio. Everyone was there already, including Dave. We all greeted each other and caught up. My week-to-week report never really changed.

"Hey Olivia," Sean said, hugging me. "How ya doin'?"

"Good, Sean. Thanks."

"Do you want a drink?" Mike asked, opening the fridge.

I nodded and he threw me a beer. Layne, Mike, Sean, and Dave started to play. They played for hours. They were amazing and unbelievably good. Actually, that is kind of believable. They did covers from all kinds of genres and from all different years. It was the perfect way to spend my day off. Suddenly, they stopped playing and put their instruments down.

"Olivia," Layne said, pulling his char in closer. "We need to talk about Jerry."

I swallowed hard. "O-okay?"

"Olivia," Mike said softly. "You need to take a break from Jerry. We've all been talking and we think that's what would be best for you...and for him."

"Guys I don't think I could get away and leave if I tried, even if it was for a couple of days. I appreciate that all you guys are concerned. I really do, but I just don't have it in me. Jerry can't leave his addiction, so I can't leave him."

I held up my left hand.

"I made a commitment to him. I made a commitment to stick around forever, and if I can't do that now when we're engaged then I shouldn't even marry him."

Layne raised his eyebrows. Everyone was staring me down. I felt like I was being interrogated, like I was at fault. It felt like an intervention.

"Wait...wait...you guys don't just want me to leave for a couple of days? You want me to give him the ring back too?"

"Liv," Mike said. "We don't want you to break up with him. We just want you to take a break. We know better than that and how much that would push him over the edge. We just want you to take a couple days off...from him. You could stay with one of us even. You need to give him an ultimatum. You need to give him a reason to try harder. You might be the motivation that's strong enough to make him decide what is more important."

Jerry was trying really hard. His hardest wasn't the best though. It was like he had to climb out of his hole and all he had was a shovel. It was like he was suffocating underwater and he had bags of rocks chained to his ankles. The hole was too deep for the rope I had to pull him out with and the rocks had already pulled him too far deep.

"Jerry gets sick from withdrawal when he doesn't get his junk and I'd get sick from withdrawal from being away from him for too long. I love him, guys. I'm not leaving."

I started crying, which I felt ashamed about. I had been so strong all my life and at every point in my life beforehand. Jerry's addiction was bringing me down too.

"I thought you guys," I sobbed. "I thought you guys cared about him. I thought you guys loved him."

"Liv," Layne said. "You know we care about him. You know we love him. I mean, come on. We're not writing him off, but this fuckin' disease can affect just Jerry, or it can affect all of us," he motioned his arms throughout the room, pointing to everyone. "It would be better if it just affected him, right?"

I leaned back in my chair and took a deep breath.

"I don't know if I can do it," I said ,shaking my head. "I've been doin' all this for so long..."

"Just like Jerry has been doin' what he's been doin' for so long," Layne responded. "Liv, we're all in this together. We're a team and we're there with you. We all understand, even Dave...especially Dave. I went through the same thing with Demri...and I had to take breaks from her. It wasn't helpful whether I was by her side or not, but it was helpful for me."

"Yeah," Dave said. "Kurt wanted so much help but no one could really help him. It was bigger than all of us. It was bigger than a team of a million people could handle."

I placed my fingers over my eyes.

"We need to do this piece by piece, step by step," Layne said. "You can't do this alone. Jerry can't do this alone. So for now, you should come over to my house and stay there for tonight and go back home tomorrow after work."

Layne ran his fingers through his hair.

"As a family," Layne smiled. "We need to show him that we love him more than the junk and we love him more than what it's giving to him right now, just like we always have."

I hoped Layne was right. I didn't really want to stay with Layne again. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see Jerry again and hold him close, tell him what kind of music I wanted for the reception and where I wanted to go for our honeymoon. I was tired of being in a three-way relationship with Jerry and heroin. I hoped Jerry would choose our future and stop making the decisions he was making.