Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Not Like This

At dawn, I arrived at the house of my mother and stepfather, Steven. I hadn't seen my actual father in years. He left when I left for Seattle, hoping I'd open a coffee shop. It would've been tough, knowing how many coffee shops Seattle had, but that was my dream.

I hadn't even called first. My heart beat out of my chest as I knocked on the door. My mom was usually up at this time, getting ready for work so I knew she'd be the one opening the door, and she was.

"Olivia?" she said quietly.

I burst into tears. She glanced down at my hand; I knew she was looking for the ring.

"Mom...Mom I'm sorry," I cried.

Mom let me into her house. When I left years and years before, she told me I was never welcome back. Apparently there was a condition for that, and it was that I come back alone. We sat at the kitchen table. She offered coffee at first but I shook my head, looking down at my large stomach. My due date was in two weeks.

"Oh..." she muttered. "Right."

I looked down at the glass of water, staring at my reflection.

"Olivia?"

I looked up quickly, not sure about how long I had blanked out.

"Baby do you want to start talking? What happened?"

"I left him," I muttered. I cried between every sentence. "I love him and I love our baby, but I had to leave. I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't enough...what I was doing. I got tired of doing all the work. I was tired of feeling alone when I wasn't. He's going into a really bad place right now. I know he's gonna die soon, Mom, and I don't want to be the one who sees him passed in out in chair, with needles in his arms."

I cried hard into my hands and Mom scooted closer to me and held me in her arms. It had been so long since that ever happened. This was my home.

"It's going to be alright, Liv, Okay?"

I pulled away from her and smiled. "Mom I really missed you. I'm sorry about the things I said to you when I left and I'm sorry that I left."

"I missed you too. I haven't changed a thing in your room," she winked. "Go upstairs, take a shower, and go to sleep. I'll let Steven know you're here."

Sleeping in my old bed felt so nice, but so lonely. There was way too much room. As exhausted as I was, it felt impossible for me to fall asleep. I was stuck thinking about Jerry and about what he was doing at the moment. I knew he was probably scoring as much heroin as he possible could with the little money he had left of mine. How was he going to score the next batch? Layne wouldn't be dumb enough, right?

No one knew where I went. I didn't tell Layne or even my boss. Being pregnant and very close to having the baby would have given the restaurant a good enough reason for me not to show up. I probably should have sorted everything out but I acted quickly, only on instinct.

Later that day, I woke up at two in the afternoon and went into the kitchen to make something to eat. Steven came in shortly after. Our relationship was basically an acquaintance. We both smiled uncomfortably. I couldn't take the awkward feeling in the air so I ate in my room, looking at old family photos. Luckily he left at night for his third-shift job. My mom and I had some time to ourselves.

The baby was kicking like crazy. He wanted to come out. Before coming back to Mom, I was nervous as hell to have the baby. At this point, I was so much more comfortable. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. The alarm on my mom's face as she turned around was indescribable, as was the look on Layne's face.

"Jerry really messed up, Olivia. He's in the hospital."

"I'll visit him in like a week. He always bounces back from overdosing. He's done it plenty of times."

"Liv, he didn't overdose. He got shot last night. They don't think he's going to make it. He's in and out of consciousness. You need to say...goodbye to him."

My mom gasped from behind me. I turned around. I thought she would have wanted me to stay.

"Go," she said, putting her hands on my shoulders.

"Really?" I asked, whining a bit.

"When you left without saying a word, I was crushed...final goodbyes are important. You're going to regret it if you don't go."

Of course I had wanted to go. I just didn't want her out of my life again, especially since I was about to have a baby. Her forgiveness was something I never could have anticipated. "I'm sorry...and thank you," I said, hugging her.

Layne and I stepped into the driveway. There was no extra car.

"I flew...and then took a cab here. I can drive, though, if you need me to."

"Would you mind?"

Layne shook his head as he put his arm around my shoulder. "Of course not. Let's go. We need to hurry."

My breathing got a little heavy and the baby was kicking me harder and more often than ever.

"You weren't wrong in leaving him, Liv. You haven't done anything wrong. He got mixed with bad guys and didn't have enough for what he wanted."

"I was barely gone, Layne. I wasn't even gone for that long and now look at what's happened. It wasn't supposed to happen this way...not like this," I cried. "If I had just given him the money..."

Layne just shook his head and we were silent for the rest of the ride to the hospital.