Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Shame in You

I hoped the rain would blend in with my tears as I unlocked the front door. I didn't want to show Jerry how bad my night was. I smelled like garbage and I felt nauseous, especially after my boss told me I would have one more strike before I'd get fired. I was late all the time. I'd be up all night worrying that Jerry wouldn't wake up, or that it was the last time we'd fall asleep in each other's arms. It was so often that I would show up late to work and it happened more often than not.

"Jerry!" I called as I threw my bag down on the table at the front door.

He didn't respond. I made my way down the main hallway, calling for him again, to the recliner where he always sat. Jerry was slumped over on the chair with his arm dangling over the armrest. The needle was on the floor, staring at me, taunting me. I ran up to him, shaking him and trying to find a pulse. My tears escaped my eyes in both relief, fear, and pain all at once when I felt the short beats of life on his neck. He used to be so full of life. He'd play a guitar solo and he couldn't be more alive. On this day, he clung to the little life he had left.

"Jerry, wake up," I said, shaking him violently. "Jerry wake up...please!"

The apartment was a wreck. It was just another night where I would spend my free time cleaning up his messes, cleaning up the needles, and helping him into bed after he stopped yelling at me. I wished for one day he'd clean up or cook us dinner the way he used to. We used to be a partnership. At this point I was a fully employed waitress and a full-time caregiver.

He'd clearly been shooting up all day. I ran toward the phone and called Layne.

"Layne I need your help," my voice shook.

"I'll be right there, Olivia. Don't worry," he assured.

Layne always agreed to help me. He was always there. When Layne came over, he was fuming. He stomped his feet over to the chair and slapped Jerry in the face.

"Wake the fuck up Jerry!"

Jerry didn't respond.

"Alright," Layne said, picking up the phone. "He's gotta get to the hospital, right now."

"No, no," I said, grabbing his arm. "He'd never forgive me if I let that happen. He'd be so embarrassed and mad. Remember last time when he left for days and we didn't know where he was?"

Layne sighed with sympathetic eyes. "We'll tell him it was my idea. We need to get him to the hospital, Liv, okay? I'll make sure he doesn't go anywhere. Who cares if he's embarrassed or mad? He'll be thanking us eventually."

"Okay, okay," I said quickly so we could just go. "Let's just take him, though. I don't wanna wait for the ambulance."

Layne dragged Jerry's limp body into the backseat of his car and I got into the passenger's seat. I burst into tears on the way to the hospital. I saw Layne looking at me from the corner of my eye.

"Hey," he said softly, resting his hand on my shoulder. "Just try to hold on, okay?"

"I know," I sobbed. "I'm trying."

I know he was trying but it didn't help. I was so sick of all of it. I completely zoned out for the rest of the ride and the whole first hour we were in the hospital. The doctors talked to all of us, but I didn't listen. It's not like we didn't know the prognosis. Jerry was a junkie and so many people knew. People throughout Seattle knew; a band that so many loved so much was on hiatus because Jerry couldn't get it together.

Mike and Sean came a bit later. We all hugged. Jerry was okay, at this point. We weren't going to lose him. He'd be spending another 24 hours in the hospital. He was still knocked out and I just watched him rest as he was connected to so many tubes and monitors. Mike and Sean didn't stick around too long. I missed seeing them so, so much. We all had so many good times not too long beforehand. I'd come into the studio and watch them all play when I wasn't working double shifts. Mike was distant and Sean didn't crack nearly as many jokes. They weren't themselves anymore. They missed being Alice in Chains, but they refused to do it without Jerry; they couldn't do it without Jerry.

"Liv?" Layne said shaking me out of my head as I sat in the waiting room.

I jumped a bit.

"Sorry," he smiled slightly. "Hey do you wanna grab something to eat? There's a diner a block away from here."

I was extremely hesitant. I wanted to be there when he would wake up.

"Come on," he said, "he won't be waking up for a while. Both you and I need to get the hell out of here for a bit."

"I don't get paid until Friday..."

Layne smiled again. "Don't be silly, girl. It's on me, okay?"

"Alright," I agreed, standing up.

I couldn't resist his blue eyes and his soft smile.