Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Reasons to Stay

For the next week, I stayed at a hotel, stopping at the apartment every other day to get more clothes and other things I needed. Jerry was passed out on the couch. The bank was sorting out the issues with my card. They told me it was likely a case of stolen identity and fraud. Luckily, I had some stowed away in a savings account. Layne, Mike, Sean, and Dave were in the studio, just playing around on instruments. I visited on a Wednesday to see them play for a bit.

Stepping into the other room to get a drink, I heard Layne's footsteps following me. He stepped to the side of me and stared until I looked back at him.

"Hey, are you doing alright?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I'm pretty good. I'm probably going to go home tomorrow morning."

"Have yo talked to Jerry?" Layne asked.

"No."

"Well I have and he's really worried about you."

I rolled my eyes and Layne stood there with me in the silence. Both of us chose to avoid talking about the elephant in the room; we avoided talk about the intimate experience we had at his house.

"Ya know how there are some days where you wake up late multiple times in a row, and you make promises to yourself that it'll be different tomorrow and then tomorrow's exactly the same?"

I nodded.

"Well that's how it is for Jerry right now."

"Yeah Layne but this is different. Oversleeping doesn't hurt anyone but you. What Jerry's doing is much worse."

"I know, Olivia. I know, but you have to understand that Jerry's not trying to hurt you. Years ago, when he wasn't so bad, he would never do anything to hurt you, and you know that. It's not okay what he did, not at all. He's getting mixed signals."

"Layne," I said. "You're giving me mixed signals."

"I'm...I'm sorry, Liv. This is just all so complicated. I care about you, but not in the way that happened the other night. You're Jerry's girl and Jerry's girl only."

"I don't know for how much longer, though."

I sat down at a table in the corner of the room.

"You promised him you'd stay."

That was before I knew my soul would get sucked out little-by-little every day. That was before I knew that he would hit me multiple times. That was before I knew that my life would be planned out and pretty much over before I turned thirty. This wasn't the life I wanted. I thought I'd be well into a career that was meaningful, visiting my family over the holidays. I traded it all for a junkie boyfriend who I loved, who I loved with all my heart.

Suddenly, we heard yelling and crashing. Layne and I went back to the other room to check it out. All the guys held Jerry back as he tried to lash out at me. His quickly lost energy and calmed down a little.

"So this is where you've been?" he asked, throwing his arms up.

He sounded angry, but he was crying too. His emotions had been all over the place for so long.

"Jer, I've only been here for today. I have been at a hotel, and at work. I swear. That's it."

Jerry looked around the room, with tears in his eyes. "So this is what you guys do when I need help. This is what you guys do when I pass out."

Jerry swallowed hard.

"This is what's gonna happen when I die, isn't it? You're just gonna move on like nothing ever happened," he snarled.

"No," Layne said. "Look Jer, we missed playing together. That's it. We've just been messing around. This band needs you, Jerry. Let's face it, you've written all our important songs and everything for this band. You are so important to Alice in Chains...so important, and we'll wait for you."

Jerry looked at me and I nodded in agreement. He looked down at the floor.

"I'm sorry, guys," he cried some more. "I literally can't control myself anymore."

Everyone went around and hugged him. Then, Jerry wrapped his arm around me and led me into the other room. He gently massaged my cheek, making me flinch. He pouted at my reaction.

"Olivia...I'm...I'm sorry."

"I...I know, Jerry," I said, thinking about Layne said, knowing he was right.

This wasn't the real Jerry. It wasn't the Jerry I fell in love with. I was still holding onto the Jerry I fell in love with.

He pulled me in close.

"I'm sorry that I'm ruining something so amazing," he smiled, rubbing his fingers over my ring finger on my left hand.

"It's not ruined yet Jerry. Everything can be fixed. Everything can be changed. I wanna help you. I really do. You need to get better...and you're not gonna die...you're going to be fine."

Jerry looked down at the floor again; he didn't believe me.

"But," I said. "If you hit me one more time..."

Jerry grabbed my arms. "I won't. I promise. I know I've broken so many promises before but..."

One of the hardest things to do in the world is to forgive someone. It's hard to forgive when the same wrong act has been done so many times. I felt different in the next couple of weeks. I was completely nauseous. At work, I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't even write down orders the right way. People would ask for more drinks or a napkin and I could barely do that right.

One night, when I got home, Jerry was so sick. He was suffering severely from the withdrawal symptoms. As I was falling asleep on the couch, I heard him grab his coat and keys. It was pretty late at night.

"Where are you going?"

Jerry was absolutely startled. "Oh-uh. I'm just goin' out for a bit."

"Jerry..." I said, slowly approaching him.

"I'll be right back."

"Stay here. I'm serious. You can't go out there. I know what you're doing."

"Don't worry," he said, sounding a little pissed out. "I'm doin' this without your money this time."

"Jerry it's not about the fucking money. It's about you, okay?" I said, following him out the front door and to the car.

"I can't live like this anymore," he cried with a bit of force in his voice.

"Well pretty soon you're gonna have no life to live at all. Is that what you want?"

"Just leave me alone, Liv."

"Jerry...I'm pregnant."

A breeze started to pick up. I feared saying those words all day. My heart raced fast at the sight of his jaw drop. He slowly turned around and approached me.

"Really? You're joking right?" he raised his eyebrows.

I got absolutely nothing from that reaction. I shook my head slowly. Suddenly Jerry had a big smile on his face. He grabbed me and held me close, kissing me for a while.

"Liv that's great! That's so amazing!"

I took half a step back. "You're not mad? This wasn't exactly the way we were planning it."

"It doesn't matter," he smiled.

His reaction was the opposite from what I expected. I shouldn't have told him at that moment. There was so much up in the air and so much at stake. I still had to talk to Layne about it. I still had to figure everything out. The announcement stopped him from going out that night. Even if he had some money, I knew it couldn't have been enough. Whenever someone's short in a drug deal, there's sometimes a problem, a big problem.

A/N: Just wanted to thank everyone for the support so far! You guys are the best!