Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

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Olivia hadn't been home in two days. I shouldn't have said what I said and I shouldn't have done what I did. I was throwing up all day because Olivia had cut me off and I couldn't shoot my medicine.

Layne came over unexpectedly. I hadn't been seeing too much of him in those days. He came in without saying anything and sat on the armrest of the couch.

"Jer, you know why I'm here, right?" Layne asked.

"Yeah. Did Olivia tell you what happened?"

Layne nodded slowly. He was clearly angry with me.

"Listen man," I said. "I did something really stupid. I was just mad at myself and I should have just left. Have you seen her? I want to know where she's been staying. I want to apologize to her."

"She's at a hotel down the strip near SeaTac. I'm not sure which one, but she did tell me she's coming back here tonight after work."

I was a little pissed that she told Layne and not me where she was.

"As soon as she steps through this door," I said, "it's going to be different in this place."

"Yeah," Layne said, shaking his head. "It's about time she was treated right."

My blood began to boil but I quickly suppressed my anger.

"I swear Jerry if you lay a hand on her, she's not gonna take any more. She'll leave you."

"I'm not going to hit her."

"You tried though, Jer. She told me about that."

"It was a mistake. It was a reaction; I wasn't thinking. I don't know where my head's been these days."

"Then you better go find it. I'm tellin' you right now that I'm not taking you in if she picks up and leaves this town. I'm not giving you anything. You don't deserve what she does for you and I'm not gonna let you walk all over me too. I walked away from Demri when she got outta control and I sure as hell could do it again."

"I know," sighed. "I know."

I wished Layne could be a little more sympathetic. He knew exactly how I felt, specifically how hopeless I felt.

Later that night, I felt the mattress sink and it made me smile. I flipped around to see she was home again. Olivia smiled back at me; I saw it even in the darkness.

"I missed you," I whispered as I kissed her for a long time.

"I missed you too," she replied.

The next morning, I got up early, which was very hard for me to do, but I had to. The smell of bacon began to fill the kitchen, and then the whole apartment. I heard her footsteps just as I turned off the griddle.

"What's going on in here?" she smiled. I missed waking up to see her beautiful face every morning.

"Just some breakfast. How many pancakes do you want? Two or three?"

"Three," Olivia said as she kissed me and sat down at the kitchen table.

We sat down at the table and ate. It was as if nothing happened that other night. I still wanted to talk about it though.

"Liv, I'm sorry."

Her smile never faded. "It's okay."

"No," I said, nervously looking down at my plate. "It's not okay. Knowing that you're short on cash, and knowing that there are so many sickos out there...I mean there's some sicko out there right now killing women along the Green River and..."

I swallowed hard and paused for a second.

"If anything ever happened to you, I...I don't know what I'd do. I'd go...into a really dark place..."

"I can handle myself pretty well, Jerry...I"

"I know," I said, taking her hand. "I know...but still I'm really sorry...I can't say it enough."

Olivia just smiled back at me.

"Ya know what I'm most excited for?" I asked.

Olivia shook her head as she chewed her last bite.

"Havin' kids with you," I winked.

She smiled slightly. I knew what she was thinking and what she wanted to tell me. She wanted to say that I had to get clean before having kids. She wanted to tell me that she wouldn't set a date for the wedding before I got clean. These were both things we had talked about and already had a condition for.

I cleaned up our dishes and started putting them in the dishwasher. Olivia was in complete shock. The look on her face was so cute. We both relaxed the day away until she left for work. I felt a lot better, even without the drugs. I thought and thought and believed that I could kick the junk out of my life for good. I even cleaned the entire apartment.

When Olivia came back later that night, I had a meal ready for her. I waited for her to come home to eat dinner. The look on her face was priceless as she dropped her stuff down on the table.

"Woah," she gasped.

"Yep," I smiled with pride.

"Wow...I can't believe this."

"It's the new and improved me," I said, holding my arms out so she could walk into them.

I held her for a while before we kissed, and then we ate the meal I prepared. We watched a movie after dinner; we hadn't done that in a long time.

Olivia was engrossed in the movie. I brought my arm around her and pulled in her close. She started to giggle and it really turned me on. I flipped on top of her and grabbed her waist with both hands. Her hands brushed up against my chest.

"You really want to?" she asked.

"Of course," I smiled, holding a deep, long kiss. "You look so sexy right now, and it's been way too long."

Her fingers tugged at the button at my jeans. Mine began to work at the buttons on her shirt. Neither of us pulled away from the kiss as we undressed each other until we were only in our underwear. We were both panting so hard. I could barely breathe. Olivia's hand reached to grab me, but I had to stop her.

Olivia pouted. "Why not?"

"Because I'm not gonna last much longer if you do that. It's my turn," I said as I lowered my voice.

I slid her panties to the side, nailing her legs down to the couch with my elbows. She yelped when my tongue sprung inside her.

"Shit," she gasped. I laughed a little at her reaction.

Her grip on my arm tightened, so I stopped.

"Come on," she whined.

I moved up so I was hovering over her once again. I gently sucked on her neck and placed my hand on her upper thigh.

"Please," she begged.

I looked down at myself, seeing how hard I was.

"Okay," I smiled slightly.

I met my lips with hers as I entered her. Olivia grabbed my face and pulled away for a second.

"I love you," she said softly.

"I love you too," I replied as I slowly moved inside of her.