Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Breaking the Chains

I was in the hospital for the next week and a half, longer than expected. The baby had been put under a little bit of stress because I was. The doctor wanted to make sure everything was okay before they discharged us. Layne never left my side, except for when he pulled the car around so he could take us all home, to his home.

"Make yourselves at home. I'm need to go to the store and pick up some food. I'll cook you guys dinner. Don't worry about a thing."

"Okay," I smiled back. "Thank you so much, Layne."

When he shut the door, I fixed my gaze onto Eddie and my mom fixed hers on me.

"Are you sure you two don't mind me staying here?" she asked.

"I mean, Layne doesn't mind. I know he really doesn't mind. Eddie is just as important to Layne as he is to us," I smiled down at the sleeping baby boy in my arms. "If you want to leave, that's okay, Mom, but you're welcome here."

Mom smiled. "Olivia I admit that I've been really harsh about the friends you've been making in the past couple of years. I know that I haven't been there for you enough and I haven't made the best choices as a mother. I have to continue being honest with you though."

I rolled my eyes and walked into the nursery that Layne had put together when the baby and I were recovering in the hospital.

"What?" she asked.

"Mom, Layne is letting you stay in his home. He's helping me take care of the baby; he's taking care of me too. Can you be a little more respectful?"

"I'm sorry, Olivia. I'm just...I'm still not sure about this whole situation. Layne used to be into drugs too, right? Is he really clean? Is he really safe? He's an addict for life too and I don't want you to get hurt...again."

Layne hadn't done anything in years. Watching so many friends die and suffer was enough to convince him to stop what he was doing. "Wow we just got here and it seems like you already want to leave."

She had no words for me, leaving for the other room. My eyes wandered to the dresser. Jerry's urn was placed on top of it; it was sitting on top of a piece of paper with stains. I carefully took it from underneath the urn to find a handwritten note. My eyes darted to the name signed at the bottom: Jerry. I bit my lip.

Dear Olivia,

You decided to leave me tonight and I can't blame you for that, only myself. I'm sorry that I promised such a big proposition for you, for us. I'm sorry that I dragged you through the mud all these years, giving you nothing but broken and empty promises that we'd be together forever. I never should have yelled at you, ever. If I ever have a chance to give you all the money I've stolen from you, I'll give it to you somehow. I'll give it to you, through Layne. When you return, I will not be here, because I don't want your baby to get stressed. I don't want him to know I'm his dad. I don't want him to know anything about me. Tell him that Layne's the father, or something like that. I'm not his dad. Dads don't do this to their children.

Don't be upset, Liv. Don't be upset that I'm gone. I refuse to take anything more from you. You deserve to make better choices in your life and it will be without me that will allow you to have that freedom. I love you, baby, and for some reason you love me too. We have to let each other go, Olivia, so you can finally live your life.

I've hardly ever been honest with you, but I promise that I've always loved you and I always will.

Jerry

Biting my lip, I stared at the ring on the table that I hadn't noticed before.

"Olivia?" Layne's sweet voice said from a few feet away.

I smiled a little at the sound of his voice. "I'm okay...I'm...okay."

Layne didn't believe me, but didn't admit it. "Well, maybe for now. We're all gonna have'ta go through this together, step-by-step."

Gently rubbing my fingers on the beautiful ring before us, I sighed. "I always thought love was the most powerful force on Earth. It empowers superheroes to fight monsters and turns smart, put-together people into piles of brain mush."

Layne smiled and snickered a little. "It but, but drugs are powerful too. They turn brains into mush too, into toxic messes."

"Jerry and I were a toxic mess, I guess," my voice shook as I started to cry.

Layne embraced me. "No. Jerry was the toxic mess, not you."

I couldn't believe my mother's attitude from before, especially after this moment with Layne. After years of being so stubborn and not completely agreeing with him, he began to convince me that everything actually would be okay, that everything would get better. I began to believe that my quality of life would improve without Jerry, and with our beautiful baby boy. Layne became even more important to me as Eddie grew up. My mother left to return home in Portland, which was fine with me.

For the first couple years of his life, I felt...normal again. All I did was take care of the baby. I dedicated all my time to him. I had found the missing puzzle pieces. Comfort and security became prominent in my life again.

Holding the ring tight in one hand and the letter in the other, I put them inside the urn containing his ashes. I have Layne to thank for the courage to do it, and for encouraging me to find and enjoy my freedom. My chains had finally broken.