Decisions for Withdrawal (Alice in Chains)

Cutting the Cord

The beginning of the next week was pretty typical. I came home from work and Jerry was really sick. I heard him throwing up the second I opened the front door as I did when I left that afternoon. I sat at the kitchen counter with a drink. It was almost midnight.

When he came out of the bathroom, he surprisingly had a smile on his face.

"Hey baby," he said, kissing me. Tears still welled up in his eyes from puking. He sat on the stool beside me.

"Hey," I responded tiredly, yawning a little.

"I missed you," he smiled as he put his arm around me.

I couldn't imagine why we was so happy, and then suddenly his face flipped upside down.

"I need more money."

I bit my lip. That was why Jerry was so happy. He just wanted my money to buy more junk. It wasn't because he wanted to see me or any of that, like the way it used to be every single day. The spark and magic in his eyes were gone. He was weak.

"I don't have money," I said with flat affect.

"Yes you do. You just got paid a couple days ago."

I did have money, but I thought about what Layne said and he was right. I had to stop enabling and I had to cut the cord. This was the night.

"Yeah but I had to pay the rent...and the utilities...and the car payment..."

"You always have money."

"Not this time...Jerry."

Jerry started to cry. The tears were now falling down his cheeks and off his face. "But I'm so fuckin' sick, Liv. I'm suffering. I'm struggling. I need it. It's the only thing that helps me anymore. Please. My stomach is killing me. Everything hurts."

I shook my head and started walking away to the other room.

"Then get out!" he yelled. He went from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds. It turned into a full-on rage.

"What?" I turned around.

"If you're not giving me money, then I want you out of here for the night!" he screamed again.

"But...but" I stuttered, "that's not fair Jerry."

"None of this is fuckin' fair!" he screamed with tears in his eyes, grabbing both of my shoulders. "I need help, Liv. I need you to fuckin' help me. Why won't you help me?"

I helped him all the time. I helped him with everything. He'd be dead on the streets without me. I stood my ground. It was my apartment and I paid the bills. I wasn't going to leave.

"Olivia," he said harshly. "Get out of here."

"No," I said, crossing my arms.

Jerry took a swing at me. I was surprised,yet quick enough to duck and dodge his fist.

"Ya know what," I said, grabbing my jacket. "Have it your way, Jerry. I'm gone."

I slammed the door behind me and got into my car. I was so upset that I cut through the grass, but I slipped in the mud on the way to the car. Of course, it had been raining all day so I was soaked when I stood up. It took me a while to get myself together and leave. I just started crying because I didn't know what to do anymore. I just wanted to run away but I didn't have a destination.

After about an hour of sitting in the car, I drove to Layne's. I peaked through the window and saw him sitting on the couch, watching TV. The lights were very low and it was so late that I almost left for a hotel room. I didn't want to bother him. I knocked anyway because I was freezing and too tired. When he opened the door, his jaw dropped.

"C-c-c- can I...come in?" I asked, shivering.

Layne quickly grabbed me by the arm and pulled me inside. "Jeez, what happened Olivia? What did he do to you?"

"He didn't do anything. He just kicked me out."

"What?" he asked, taking my jacket. "It's your apartment Liv. You should have been the one that kicked him out."

"Whatever, Layne. I'm over it. I didn't want to fight. It's fine."

Layne didn't seem to want to argue anymore either. I was cold and shivering. He gave me a blanket as I sat down at the dining room table. We sat there listening to the pounding of the rain on the windows. Later on, he gave me a t-shirt and pajama pants before leading me to the guest bedroom.

"They're probably going to be too big on you but it's the best I can do. You can take a shower if you want. Actually, you probably should. I'll see ya tomorrow, alright?" he winked.

"Alright," I smiled slightly.

Layne took a few steps.

"Layne wait," I said, making him stop in his tracks and turn around.

I opened my arms and he opened his. I needed a hug, very very badly. He squeezed me back tight.

"Thank you," I said, my voice muffled into his chest.

"You're welcome," he said. "Hey tomorrow's Wednesday. It's going to be fun, I promise."

I smiled. "I know. Believe me, I'm really excited."

It had been so long since I laughed and had fun. Watching Mike, Sean, Layne, and Dave play around for a couple of hours was going to be a blast and I was looking forward to it.

The second I laid my head down that night, I felt so guilty. I was sleeping in another bed in his best friend's house, not that anything was weird or anything. Layne and I were really good friends. As my relationship with Jerry deteriorated, my friendship with Layne grew strong.

The real problem I had with this night was that I left Jerry alone. He didn't have much to shoot up with but I still had a million things to worry about. He was bad enough when he had company and when I was there. I couldn't imagine what it was like for him when he was alone with his demons. On this day, he fought them all day, and all night. He wanted me to help him. He begged for me to help him, but I didn't know how to help him any more than I already was.