❝she was the girl, who bit the horizon, who peeled the stars from the sky and put them on her tongue, the girl who was hungry for the universe, who craved magic and saw the broken boy for who he truly was- a broken boy.❞
Beca...
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Chapter 48
Bad Boy All Over Again
Jem
I knew it was a mistake to leave the minute the door was closed but I couldn't bring my own feet to stop moving.
I was just walking, maybe running- I couldn't really remember what was happening- I just remembered motion and needing to be anywhere else but in a space filled with crowds, sounds and people, overwhelming my senses with everything else until I couldn't take it. My whole head felt like it was on acid, rolling rapidly and relentlessly with the blood rushing and whistling in my ears, emotions flying everywhere and I couldn't narrow them down. There are tears diving out of my eyes. The sorry was at the tip of my tongues, pulsating to get out and my whole heart was yelling at me to turn back and don't throw it all away but I couldn't- I wouldn't.
I was too good to say sorry. Not to her. Not after what she said. I knew I should. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell whether it was because I was mad at her for being right or because I couldn't face the truth.
At some point, I burst out of the cramped, monotonous hotel we were staying at and into the beating city of New York, bursting out onto the streets of Brooklyn where the cold air stung my face but I pushed on until I found myself in a train station, methodically keying all the data in to get myself back to Philly. I shouldn't leave Ellis here all on her own but I don't think I could see her face right, I don't think I could stand being in the same city with her, in the same living breathing distance with because everything Ellis said kept haunting me every time her face swam into my mind, it kept reminding me of everything wrong with me.
I broke people and I bullied people all for the sake of making people laugh and for the sake of staying interesting- so they all had a reason to pay me the slightest bit of attention. I mean, so what if I was a terrible person? So what if I ruined my mother's wedding for my own amusement and so that everybody would know what she did to get where she was? My mother- and I was using this term as loosely as possible- was a horrible person. She left without any reasons and without even thinking of the repercussions that could happen if she just struck a big gaping hole in my family. She just thought of herself. She couldn't be any more of a horrible person than I was.
I was running through Manhattan, feet pounding the tarmac almost as loud as my heart, vigorously, rapidly, fast, fast, fast and I was free, free, free, or at least I tried to be. My soul is under my feet and I'm chasing it- I build the momentum, the feeling of being free, the illusion of being free from my own emotions, from my own self, from Ellis sharply waking me into reality that I had to face. To face the reality of reasons why my mother left- maybe she wasn't a selfish, horrible person, maybe she just didn't give a fuck about me, didn't love me- nobody did, nobody love me, I'm all alone, I'm so fucking alone.
Ellis loves you, a voice said, go back to her. She loves you. Listen to her.
