I'll Be There (Ethan Karpathy)

Chapter 22

I stood near the back of the church and watched people walk up to coffin, some kneeling, some standing, some looked at her, saying something or perhaps crying. Zoe's parents were standing by her side, hugging everyone who passed. Kathreen spotted me, so I quietly walked toward her. She smiles weakly at me and says, "Ethan, thank you. You made her so happy."

"She made me happy." I reply, looking at the floor.

"You know, she loved you so so much. She always told me that."

"Zoe's still here, we just can't see her."

Kathreen walks off to chat with my parents, so I walk up to Zoe's body. She lay there so peacefully, her eyes closed and a small smile on her face. Her hair was left untied, in soft waves. She looked so much like an angel. We were called to our seats and it began. All these people spoke about Zoe, but I could hardly concentrate. I could only think of her face. Her smile. After what seems like hours, the minister calls me up to the front. I take my guitar off its stand and plug it into the amp. I take a deep breath, then start to play the introduction to 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift.

(Author's Note: Ronan Thompson was a 4 year old boy, who lost his battle with cancer. Taylor followed his mother's blog and wrote a song for him. I know it is annoying when people put the lyrics for a whole song in a story, but please read them because they are so beautiful and meaningful, and I find that it relates so much with this book. All rights belong to Taylor Swift, Maya Thompson and Big Machine Records.)

I remember your bare feet down the hallway

I remember your little laugh

Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs

I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine

Like we had our own secret club

I remember you dancing before bed time

Then jumping on me, waking me up

I can still feel you hold my hand, little man

And even the moment I knew

You fought it hard like an army guy

Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here

You were my best four years

I remember the drive home

When the blind hope turned to crying and screaming "Why?"

Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say

About a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween

You could be anything you wanted if you were still here

I remember the last day when I kissed your face

And whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here

Out of this curtained room in this hospital grey, we'll just disappear

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here

You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?

What if I kept the hand-me-downs you won't grow into?

And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?

What if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here

You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway

I love you to the moon and back

I failed my attempts at blinking back my tears as I put my guitar back on its stand. I return to the microphone, try to calm myself, before I start to speak.

"I know I am supposed to speak about Zoe's life, but the only thing I can think of is how badly life treated Zoe. Life can be really unfair to some people. I should also be saying how happy Zoe was all the time, but I can't, because I would be lying. She told me how unhappy she was back when she was living in Melbourne. The only things that made her smile were her family and her dog, Snowy. Then she moved to Sydney. I saw her everyday at school, then one day I gathered my courage and talked to her. I asked her to come sit with my friends and I. Her eyes lit up and that just made me feel so happy. She was such an amazing girl. She was shy, but she had the loudest mind and the biggest heart. And I admire her for that. 

Then, there was the day when I lost her. I can still clearly hear Zoe's voice. She was so scared. She told me that she felt it killing her. I told her to let herself free from her pain. I was afraid to say it. I didn't want to let her go. But it hurt me so much to look into her eyes and see the pain, the sadness, the anger, the happiness and the love. She only asked for forgiveness, for me to forgive her and myself and for me to never forget her. I don't know how I could ever forget her. I told her that I loved her. The exact words she last said were 'I love you too, Ethan. Thank you. For everything.' She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then her heart stopped beating. The nurses tried to bring her back, but she was gone. I knew that when the heart monitor went off. 

Zoe, thank you. For us. I wish more than anything that you were still here. But, we always want what we can't reach. So I guess I will only see you in my dreams. I know that I will never get to speak to her again. I will never see her smile, hear her laugh. I will never see her tug on a strand of her hair whenever she is nervous. The only thing I have left of her is the memories. I always expected that those collection of memories would continue to grow for far longer than this. I really don't know how I will continue my life without you, but I suppose I will figure it out somehow. Don't forget Zo, I love you, forever.

This could've been a tribute. But I don't think Zoe needs a tribute, because all tributes will be forgotten at one point or another. She needs to be remembered. Zoe didn't just exist like most people, she lived. 

I told her that I'd be there for her. Zoe, if you can hear me now, I'm still here, I'll always be there."