Hurt, Pain, Regrets

Come Back

You were supposed to shout my name
once I turned away.
you were supposed to grab my hand
once I pushed you away.
you were supposed to kiss my lips
once I shouted that day.
but all you did
was watch me walk away.
everyday, the memory of your lips
kiss my thoughts with longing
and intense desire.
I feel the ghost of your fingertips
tracing each curve of my body
and your hot breaths on my neck.
i tried to avoid you
like you avoid me.
although sometimes my existence
seems to flash back to you
and you act like something new.
but this shit hurts.
it hurts when I see you
but see her in your eyes when
I used to claim them.
it hurts when I'm not the reason
you're there anymore.
it just fucking hurts.
so I hide from you.
but even the sun can't hide
from the darkness forever.
sometimes I'm just trapped with you.
and you speak to me
with those silly words
I fell in love with,
and everything about being
cautious and careful and unforgiving
just disappears.
because that damn smile of yours
still haunts my dreams and
the black behind my eyelids.
that damn smile of yours
is enough to make me forget
my own name.
but you don't see the damage
you're causing with a glance or a text.
or without a glance or a text.
you don't see my shift between moods
or my uncaring tone.
all you see is that I'm there
when you need something.
and what I hate the most is
that I'll always give it to you.
you can ask me to follow you
into a bottomless pit and I'll do it
without one question.
you stay clear from me nowadays.
I can tell you're trying
to forget - to erase - our memories.
but I remember them as clear as day.
don't you remember at least one?
like in freshman year,
when I couldn't go to a dance
because my basketball game
was at the same time.
so you, in your shirt and tie,
came to see me before the game
with roses as white as the snow
and a grin that reached your ears.
you twirled me around
to silent music only we could hear.
my uniform awkwardly hung
off my body and my sneakers squeaked
as I dragged them across the floor
and my hair couldn't stay in a ponytail.
but you still whispered in my ear
that I looked flawless.
I don't remember my smile
fading away that day.
but sometimes it makes me cringe.
knowing how much you cared for me;
willing to go that extra mile for me.
four years later and
you finally break me.
not just my heart.
everything.
I was swallowed by darkness,
negativity, and hopelessness
the day you left me behind.
I can't do anything anymore.
I can't smile or laugh
without you plaguing my mind.
I swallowed down my tears
with bottles of whiskey
but they still blur my sight.
I wake up on the bathroom floor
with a throbbing throat
from screaming your name
all night long with
a bottle of vodka in hand.
you were - are the sun in my sky.
you used to stare at me
with such passion
but now those eyes are distant.
your laugh bounces
off the walls of my head,
making me smile so wide.
everything you do makes
my chest ache.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but ...
I love you so fucking much.
will you come back to me?
please?