freefall |[ luke kuechly ]|

|[paralyzed]|

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March 22, 2013
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Ellen ended up staying the night at Luke's that night. It felt so reassuring to be with him and she couldn't wait to be done with college and wake up with Luke every morning. Waking up in Luke's muscular arms was as close to heaven as Ellen thought she could ever get. He held her tightly making her feel safer than she thought was humanly possible. He held her to make sure she was his. She quietly sat up in his embrace and began to get up from the King size bed but he quickly pulled her arm back. Was this love? Waking up to and wanting to spend every waking moment together?

"Where are you going?" he asked with a smug smile and barely opened eyes. Sunlight seeped through the curtains just above Luke's bed.

"I didn't think you were awake yet. I was just going to go make some coffee, but the coffee could never bring me the kind of warmth that you do," Ellen answered putting a hand on his bare chest as she snuggled back into his familiar embrace.

"I've been awake for a while. Just thinking," Luke said in a near whisper. His mouth let soft breaths escape his lips sending a chill down Ellen's spine. She shivered in his arms, causing him to pull the covers up to keep her comfortable.

"What have you been thinking about?" Ellen asked sweetly. It was weird to her that she couldn't stand this man months ago and now thinking about him made her heart skip a beat.

"I'm going to marry you Ellen Reilly," Luke said confidently into her ear. Ellen's heart stopped. Not a good stopped. A scared stopped.

"You think so?" Ellen asked warily, her voice cracking a little. Ellen never saw herself getting married. She never wanted to get married. She saw what marriage did to her mom and she didn't want that. She didn't want that at all.

"Yup. Me and you. We'll have a few kids and we'll be set," Luke said. He didn't sense the tone in her voice and that worried the girl lying in his arms. Ellen contemplated not telling him but then she decided he needed to know.

"I don't want to get married though Luke. And I really don't want to have kids," Ellen said straight forward with him, sitting back up in his arms. She didn't look in his eyes, she couldn't bear it. The words hurt him and she knew that, but not knowing would only hurt him more if he ever got down on one knee.

"What do you mean?" Luke said heartbroken. Ellen clipped his wings and watched him fall. "How can you not want to get married?" He asked angrily.

"It's not something I want. I have seen what marriage does to a person and I don't want that," Ellen answered defensively. She brought her knees to her chest to comfort herself.

"This is just like football. You experienced something bad with it, and now you've completely written it off from your life," Luke said frustratedly.

"I didn't have just one bad experience Luke. That experience has been my whole life. You wouldn't understand, you grew up in a happy family, with no problems, no divorce, just bliss. I don't joke around with this. Marriage and football are nothing a like," Ellen opposed.

"Why are you so god damn opinionated?" Luke asked running his hands frustratedly through his long curly locks.

"I have values and morals. I won't just sacrifice them," Ellen answered. Even though Luke was angry at her, she looked maddeningly beautiful. 

"Screw values and morals. You need to live a little Ellen. I can't keep up with you. One minute you want me, the next minute you don't. I feel like you are just using me as a person who just saves you and then you put me away until the next time," Luke said. He was yelling now. It was far too early in the morning for all this yelling.

"I am not using you. I can't believe you would think that. I told you I loved you. Isn't that enough? Why does marriage have to be the end goal?" Ellen said. She was antsy and couldn't sit still. She brought her long legs down from her chest and crossed them. She rested her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. This isn't how she wanted to spend her time home, she didn't want to fight.

"That's how a relationship works. You date, get engaged, then you get married," Luke explained as if she were stupid.

"I'm not just going to let you act like I'm a fool. I don't need this right now Luke. I've got to go," Ellen said getting up from the bed.

"Elle, don't go. You can't just run from your problems," Luke called reaching for her hand as she walked out of the bedroom.

"I'm not the one that has a problem Luke. I'm perfectly fine with who I am and what I want. You are the one that isn't accepting of that," Ellen said making her way towards the door. Luke sprung from the bed to chase after her.

"Wait," Luke shut the door in Ellen's face just as she was about to walk out of it. His big linebacker hands refusing to let the door open. "Let's say this is the other way around. Say you want to get married and I don't. How do you feel?" Luke asked as rationally as he could. His six pack was in clear view, with just athletic shorts on.

"I feel like it's your choice that you don't want to get married and I would respect that and move on," Ellen said crossing her arms over her chest.

"What do you mean move on?" Luke asked with hurt in his voice. Ellen's eyes widened at what she just said. Is that what she really thought? What she really wanted? Ellen looked down at her bare feet, moments ago she was about to run without any shoes on. "Ellen. Answer me," Luke commanded her.

"I don't know. Maybe we have totally different visions of our future together. Maybe we'll end up together. Maybe we won't," Ellen said quietly.

"What does that mean right now?" Luke pleaded. He was scared. He didn't want to lose her. Ellen was happy with him but maybe they needed time apart.

"I think we should take a break. Take some time to figure everything out," Ellen said shifting her eyes from the ground to Luke. Luke stood stunned. Just minutes ago they were lying in bed together and now she wanted a break. He coldly removed his hand from the door and watched the love of his life slip out it bare foot.

His head was spinning. Just 12 hours ago he was eating dinner with her family. Just 2 hours ago he was contently holding her in his arms. 2 seconds ago he let her get away. He leaned against the door and sunk to the ground. Little did he know she was doing the same exact thing on the other side.

She hadn't gone anywhere. She couldn't get herself to move. She might as well have been paralyzed. She was paralyzed with sadness and regret. She hated herself for doing that to the best guy she ever met. She wanted to go back in there and kiss him and show him that she could love him for eternity. But she knew she couldn't. So Ellen stood from the door and walked out to her car and drove back to Coastal Carolina. The joy she felt to be back home diminished.

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