Hope (Harry Styles)

34.

Decode- Paramore

We say our goodbyes to everyone and I avoid looking at Harry. I grab my jacket and my clutch, taking Evans hand as we walked out of the house and to his car. He swore to me he was capable of driving and i believed him.  He didn't look drunk, his eyes weren't even glossy. He looked more concerned for me and kept asking if I was alright the whole way back to my apartment. What do I say to him? That the guy I was falling for last summer, who I ended things with because being in a long distance relation was getting too hard, is messing with my head and my emotions and that I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. I'm sure that would go over real well. 

We pull up to my apartment building and Evan walks me inside, never letting go of my hand the entire time.  I had a strong urge to kiss him just then, to feel some sort of contact with him.  So that's what I did.  When we got to my door i threw my arms around his neck and I kissed him, causing him to stumble back a little. He didn't hesitate to kiss me back though. His hands held me against him as our tongues danced together, our lips moving together passionately.

"Did you want to come in?" I say breathlessly, finally pulling away but keeping my arms around his neck. His eyes danced back and forth between mine for a few seconds before nodding. 

Once inside I drop my clutch on the table by the door and hang up my jacket. When I was finished I attacked Evan again, slamming our lips together. I loved feeling his hands glide over me, up my back and down to cup my bottom, squeezing a little before moving them back up my back.  My hands slide down his chest, working on undoing the buttons on his shirt. One of is hands came up and stopped my hands from undoing the last button.

"Abby, are you sure you want to do this? We've been drinking and I don't want you to feel pressured into doing anything your not comfortable with," he leans back, looking me in the eyes.  

"I want to. I'm not even drunk anymore," I tell him, unbuttoning the last button of his shirt and sliding it off his shoulders, watching it land on the floor. "I want you."

I do want him, he's very attractive, and sweet and his touch gets my body tingling.  I may be feeling insecure and lost right now, but I want this.  I want to be with Evan.

"Ok," he breathed, reaching down to grab behind my thighs, telling me to jump and I did. I wrap my legs around his waist as he holds me up, my arms wrapped around his neck. We continue to kiss as he walks us down the hallway.

"Last door," I tell him what room is mine before reattaching our lips.  He steps inside my room, kicking the door shut behind us. 

~~~~~~

The next morning I just lay there in bed, curled up on my side, wide awake.  I've been awake for awhile now. Evan was sleeping next to me, his arm over my waist. I didn't want to move in fear of waking him.

I felt horrible. Absolutely horrible.  I don't regret sleeping with Evan, it was great. I just wish I would have waited a little longer to take this step, and for it to be on a night when I didn't have a run in with my ex. In a way it felt like I was just using Evan as a distraction. Like I didn't want to deal with my messed up, confused feelings. I took the road that would lead me to less heart ache, or what I think will be less heart ache. 

I really did need to pee though, so I slowly moved Evans arm and sliding out of bed.  I set his arm down slowly and tiptoed my way to the bathroom. I do my business and wash my hands, splashing water on my face. I look at myself in the mirror after drying off my face. I looked better than I felt.  I head a headache, my mouth felt dry,  and I was more confused than I have ever been in my life.