Hope (Harry Styles)

36.

One Love- Marianas Trench

I fall to heap on my floor as soon as I shut the door, my whole body shaking. How I managed to hold myself together the whole taxi ride home, I have no idea. The tears flow freely as by body shakes with loud sobs. I'm so confused. So fucking confused. How can I like two guys at the same time? How can someone's heart be torn into two different directions? How is that fair? It's not. It's not fair at all. It's a joke, really. Someone was playing a cruel joke on me.

There was Harry, someone who came into my life when I needed him the most. Who helped me open my eyes and pushed me to get the help I needed. He is gentle and kind and the strongest man I know. He speaks his mind and isn't afraid to be himself. He's talented, with both music and photography. His personality is addicting. His laugh and smile is addicting. He makes me smile and laugh. I get butterflies every time he looks at me, every time he says my name. My heart races from his touch. His touch sets me on fire. Every gentle brush of his fingers, every brush of his lips against my skin, ignites something in me, making me feel alive. I loved that. It's what I looked for in a realationship, that compatibility, that attraction. I realize now that ending things with him was a terrible mistake. That I should have been stronger and found a way to manage being in a long distance relationship, because he was worth it. Harry is everything I look for in a man. Everything I've ever wanted. I should have fought for us. Now it was too late. He's moved on and is with Michelle now. Just like I'm with Evan.

Evan. We haven't know each other for very long and things may be moving along a little fast, but he's a great guy. He is funny and makes me laugh, he's sweet and caring. He's strong, overcoming something as big as drug addiction. We have a lot in common. His kiss or touch didn't set my body on fire like Harrys did, but I could live without that. My heart still races and my stomach flips whenever he looks at me. I loved getting to know  him and spending time with him. He wasn't a bad second choice. I wouldn't exactly feel like I was settling for him. I hate saying 'second choice'. I would hate being someone's second choice.

I know Harry still has feelings for me, the way he looked tonight and the things he said proved it. I could tell by the desperate look in his eyes. If we didn't have to factor in other people's feelings, I would have told him right then and there that I want to be with him. That I was still crazy about him. I know Evan and I are just starting this relationship and if I left him now, it may not hurt him too bad, but I would feel horrible. He's been so nice to me, showing me around, helping me become accustomed to such a huge life change. I felt a connection with him, a small one, but one that could be the start of something bigger. It just didn't feel fair to me. Harry and Michelle have been together a lot longer, it will most likely hurt Michelle a lot more if Harry were to break up with her. How is it right, that Michelle has to lose a great guy because some girl from the states showed up one day and stole her boyfriend away? I'd be devastated if the situation was reversed.

If this makes me crazy and stupid, than so be it. I will put everyone else's feelings before my own. It's how I've always been. Maybe I'm weak. I don't know. I do know that I can't hurt Evan and even Michelle.

I push myself up off the ground, wiping under my eyes. My face felt puffy and hot, the results of crying myself dry. I strip off my clothes as soon as I get to my bedroom. I start the shower, letting the water warm up before stepping in. The hot water helped soothe my tight muscles and helped me relax a little. When I was finished I dried off and pulled some leggings and a loose shirt, climbing in bed immediately. My phone has been going off for the past hour but I don't want to look at it. I make sure my alarm is set and I close my eyes and try to sleep.

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Harry's POV

I'm a mess.  A complete mess.  Instead of going straight home from the restaurant I decide to take a walk.  I shouldn't have let her leave like that. I should have gone after her and begged her stay. To be with me.  I missed just being in her presence, to be able to see her smile or hear her laugh. I was surprised she even agreed to go to dinner with me, considering she's been doing everything she could to avoid me. Somehow we kept running into each other though. I took that as a sign. It's got to be.