A Reylo Romance: "Don't be Afraid, I Feel it Too"

Kylo's Story, Part 1

The memory chip I removed from the BB-Unit cuts into my hand as I grasp it tight. My only connection to her...Memories stored through BB-8's short limited life.

I never imagined she'd disappear, like this. Truly disappear.

Where are you Rey? My chest feels hollow as I look up at the stars. Why can't I sense you?

I traveled the Galaxy... to no avail. She's hidden from me, from Snoke, from everything and everyone, by some power I can't understand. Yet I know she's not dead. There would be a disturbance in the Force unlike any other if she were... one that I wouldn't survive. I have to believe she's still out there, somewhere, alive. Yet somehow she's gone... completely gone...

Cold, always cold, and now numb. I've been here before, lying on my back in snow, the wet ground seeping into me, when looking up at a different kind of star that first time I fell, Rey's face, lit with the blue light saber, on Starkiller Base. I didn't know her name, when she won our fight, when I lay defeated before her, defeated with my own light saber, the one that had belonged to my uncle Luke, which he gave me and then was stolen, taken. It lay in the snow and I called to it, but it flew to her hand instead. She was powerful, her face glowing in its light.

That was the moment I began to lose my heart to her, but didn't know it yet. That was the day I wanted her to be mine. She was like me, powerful with the Force. So unexpected that my world was shaken. I'd never imagined someone like her existed in all of space and time. I'd been so arrogant to think I was the most powerful, that I was the only one. I felt it in the interrogation chamber, before even she knew the power she had hidden inside. But I didn't know it was coming from her just a strong Force, a call to the light. How could I have ever guessed? I didn't even realize...

Like a gift from the Force of the Universe she appeared.

I can show you the ways of the Force, I'd said to her. And for a second I dared to believe she was considering it, considering being my apprentice. Although I knew she would surpass my strength and training in no time. My heart stopped at that moment. Could I ever truly catch her, a star shooting across the midnight sky? Or would she slip through my fingers?

I would be her teacher. I could have it no other way. I never had anyone to share this part of my life, the part that consumes me night and day, drives me and imprisons me. I was desperate to find my uncle, who was missing, I believed we were the only ones left. Then she appeared, from a planet of no importance, in a random star system, her light hidden under the Jakku sun, then shining suddenly in the dark snowy forests of Starkiller Base. How had I gone so long without discovering her?

The stars gleam in the crisp night above Yavin_4. The same ones that shone above us when I had her in my grasp. Like a forest deer she was fragile yet unimaginably strong, striking hard at me as I trained her, when in fact she was the one teaching me. We lit up the night with electricity, with flashes of light in the sky. A moment I knew could not last forever, yet I wanted it to, so badly that perhaps I did freeze time, for we jumped up but didn't fall back down, suspended in each other, we spun, my heart bursting, her joy like nothing I'd ever known, my hand on her waist, her arms thrown out wide to the sky and the stars, she was so full of life. The Galaxy came alive for me and for the first time I woke from the nightmare that had been my life.

She let me into her heart, let me touch her waist, her hair... unafraid of the monster I was. I, on the other hand, had never been so afraid in my life, of the fire that burned within me. Surely she'd flee at any moment, and run, like everyone else that I thought I could befriend, back when I was a child, when those things mattered, before I finally gave in to the reality that I was different, too different to ever truly be a friend, or a lover or anyone but Kylo Ren. And then, a little Rey of sunshine shone right into the darkness within...

I had no doubt in my mind that she had more of me than Snoke ever would. No doubt that we could kill him together and be free, finally. I had hopes that I shouldn't have entertained. I didn't know then, that I'd die if Snoke did. And when I found out... he already had me trapped with something even worse than losing Rey, something even worse than possibly her death would befall her if I failed... that her light be snuffed out by the Dark Side, destroying her very essence, destroying her like I'd been destroyed, only far worse, for she cared about those she hurt. I couldn't bear the thought. And yet somehow I still lost...

I'm so sorry Rey. I failed...
Help me find you, so I can bring you here and I won't be afraid this time... I won't let fear stop me from loving you.