A Reylo Romance: "Don't be Afraid, I Feel it Too"

Kylo's Story, Part 5

I stand on a cliff's edge, looking out across the endless expanse of ocean all around, water in every direction. The wind blows, cold and unforgiving. Ocean waves rise into the air, wild and free. I couldn't wait inside my empty ship any longer. Finn has the memory card now. I didn't want anyone else to have it, but I handed it over to him anyway.

Now it's been a long time since the shuttle craft picked Finn up to take him to the Base, somewhere on the other side of the planet. Yet time doesn't seem to want to move here. The sunset persists, no matter how long I wait, out in the bitter cold.

My mother's on this planet.

I killed her husband, my father.

When we landed I dreaded the thought of seeing her again. But I never imagined I would dread the thought of not seeing her. 

She hasn't come. No planes or shuttle pods or communications have come for some time. I'm on the outside once again, separated from the rest.

She's smarter than my father was. I tried to tell my father that Ben was dead, that that part of me no longer existed and I'd destroyed it completely when I killed all the Jedi. I am Kylo Ren now. I tried to tell him and he didn't listen. But my mother knows it's true. That's why she isn't coming to see me or asking me to go see her.

I look down at the raging waters below. The waves slap against the rock cliff edge, splashing, foaming. I taste the ocean on my lips.

I've seen this ocean before. No, it wasn't me, but Rey. She imagined this place when trying to fall asleep on those lonely nights back on Jakku. Does she sleep now? Or is she still keeping herself awake at night?

I close my eyes. Everything has slipped through my fingers. I had a clear mission, for a long time now, to finish what my grandfather started. It drove me, fueled me. It was what I worked towards. But now that mission is not so clear.

My grandfather was the greatest man to ever exist, the chosen one, according to Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi's Master. He was the one they believed would bring balance to the Force. My uncle believed I was the next chosen one, who would finish what my grandfather wanted to accomplish, before his mind became overrun by the Dark Side, to restore balance to the Galaxy. But there will never be balance as long as Snoke still exists.

I look over my shoulder to my shuttle. How long should I wait here?

Despair threatens to break through, gripping my chest. I'll never find Rey. The Resistance won't either. Nor Snoke. Nor anyone, until she's willing to be found.

I told her that it would be better she die than fall to the Dark Side. I was wrong. She could have never become unredeemable like me. But she believed me, just like I believed Snoke, that once I gave over to the Dark Side there would be no turning back. And it's because she believed this, that she disappeared. Yet just the fact that she disappeared in order to save the Galaxy from herself, and from the red sword, proves that her heart is not dark, and never will be. Even in her darkest moment she still chose to do the right thing. I could have done the same. I can still now...

Finn will take care of her heart when I'm gone. If Snoke is destroyed then she can come out of hiding. And the sword will die with him. He's the only reason the spirits of the dead Sith Lords can remain contained in the sword. My grandfather never succeeded in destroying Emperor Palpatine like he thought he did. Emperor Palpatine lives on, in Snoke.

A large gust of wind blows up from the water below, chilling me through with cold. Rey's words enter my mind. You're afraid you'll never be as strong as Darth Vader.

I wasn't even fully aware of that fear inside of me until she spoke those words out loud, bringing it up from the deepest recesses of my soul. She was right. I never was as strong as Darth Vader. And I never will be.

A massive bird glides on the wind above me. It's wing span larger than I am. Its cry breaks through the fog and pierces my soul.

Rey...

I look up at the darkening sky above. A few stars shine through.

Where are you Uncle Luke?

Where are you Rey?

My eyes burn with unshed tears. If I start crying now I'll drown in them. If I let go now, I'll lose myself in the despair forever. Maybe it is time to let go...

The bird cries out again, circling high above me. I throw out my arms on either side of me, letting the nonstop wind slice through me with its ice cold breeze.

They're not coming, a voice inside of me says. Your mother isn't coming. She's already lost her son. No one is coming, nor will they ever come. Not them, not Rey. She left you, to never return again.

They're Snoke's words. I'd thought I was free of him. He's said nothing since Rey's disappearance. But I will never be free of him I realize now.

Fear creeps into my heart, growing quickly, closing in on me.

I'll never be free.

Even for Rey.

Even for all the love she gave me and for all of my desperation to love her in return.

This will never end.

Grandfather. I know what I must do. Help me come to you, and complete what you started. If I die, Snoke will die too. Then balance will be restored once again to the Galaxy.

With the cries of the large bird above me, ringing in my ears, I step over the edge of the cliff.