Where I Found You

Chapter 40 - Will now.

Chapter 40 - Will now.

Leila's in tears whenever I look at her. Not in an obvious way, but a way in which I know that the tears are always there, threatening to spill out. I think that it's a side effect of the pills they give her at the rehab clinic to get her off the drugs.

It's become a part of my life, now, asking my sister how she is because she got into fucking cocaine. I don't know what Alyssa would think. I remember how Alyssa used to be scared of Leila when we were back in Kingston and Leila would tease me for being so head over heels for Alyssa.

I end up going to a party one night, the party of Oliver my friend from Sixth Form. I haven't seen him for a while since I started at uni but he's alright, and for a while we talk as people around us dance and shout and get drunk and fall over eachother. I go out into the garden for a while, and I start thinking, trying to ignore a group of guys on the patio who are doing shots as I sit on the wall.

I can't help but think about the fierceness of how Alyssa kissed me that day. And I know the spark is still there. She still loves me. She still wants to be with me. But does she still hate me? Probably.

I even told Sterling, but when I mentioned that she has another guy now, he just told me that I needed to find another girl. And I think I would tell someone that if they were in the same position as me, but when you're in the position yourself, it's a whole different feeling.

Because I can't get over her.

That's the thing about first loves though, isn't it? No matter how wonderful the ones that come after are, you never really forget the feeling of your first one. The first time it ever felt to feel that way. Maybe with each person it feels different. And I don't know if I am sad or happy about this, but I think that instead of Alyssa being my first ever love, she could be my last one, too. She could be my only one.

And I hate myself, I hate myself for doing what I did to her. I think if I ever have a daughter, and if any guy does what I did to Alyssa, I wouldn't ever make them forget it. To be honest, I wish I could beat myself up for it.

But I want to kiss her over and over - I wish I could choose to go back to that day at Cambridge and never leave, I wish I could stay there with her until I died.

I'm being so selfish with these selfish thoughts.

As I wander back through the party I think that a lot of people stare at me because I don't usually come to these parties anymore. And I recognise some people, and they smile. One girl even grabs my hand, but I look away and pull away from all of them, until I reach my car outside, and I start to drive slowly up to Kingston.

That's when I realise what I'm going to do tonight.

-

"Hi. Can I help you?" Staring at Tai Rockwell's mother feels so weird, as I stand on their doorstep. I would know the way to Tai's house with my eyes shut. I used to walk there so many times.

I'm sad that she doesn't remember me. And as I stand there staring at her, I feel my shoulders slump and I don't know what to say and I pray that she doesn't remember me just because of the lack of light, or the fact that I need to shave.

"Um, I'm . . . It's Will Palmer," I hear myself croak. That's when her eyes widen and she leans forwards, bringing the scent of flowers with her.

"Oh! Will!" She gasps and then laughs hysterically all of a sudden, brushing her black hair over her shoulder. I wonder if she's built up a grudge against me secretly, though, since I never had any contact with her son all of a sudden after Year Eleven.

But I find myself being pulled inside, and I am being put into a chair in the living room in front of the television. I wonder where Tai's young sister, Somaya, is, and then realise that she must be sixteen now which is weird because the last time I saw her she was thirteen. I wonder where his dad is, too.