Where I Found You

Chapter 42 - It's Will.

Chapter 42 - It's Will.

I still haven't gotten over the car ride with Alyssa and her friend. I can't believe I didn't check who was driving, I can't believe the coincidence of it all, I can't believe I still haven't moved on.

A part of me wants to. Some part of my brain keeps telling me that there are millions of girls in the world, and Alyssa was just one. But then the stronger, more stubborn part knows she was special and I'm never going to feel like that about anyone ever again.

Miki presses and presses me to finish reading the book she got me from the library; To Kill A Mockingbird. When I finally do finish it, I feel kind of relieved and kind of depressed and kind of freaked out, but I guess most of all I am sad because the author made Tom Robinson die.

However, in those days and in those situations and even nowadays, thousands of deaths go unnoticed all the time and sometimes no one can help it, and sometimes people can, but don't, and I don't know which one of them is the saddest; a death you can't control, or one you can stop but choose not to, or even make happen.

Sometimes I think that saying hi to Alyssa whenever I see her will maybe put us back on speaking terms again, but I also think it could drive her away from me even more.

When I see her for the fifth time since the car ride, this time in the library as I am studying with Miki, I whisper her name as she comes up the stairs. When her huge eyes catch onto mine, I raise my hand slightly shyly, and for a second I think she might come over. But all she does is nod slightly and then turn away, and I realise that what I did was unforgivable and I broke a girl's heart and that seems to be the most un-mendable thing in the world.

"When did you guys break up?" Miki's whisper comes so suddenly that I jump, and tear my eyes away from Alyssa as she disappears behind a bookcase.

I glance over at her, then sigh and look down at my books, attempting to write something. But my head is just full of Alyssa.

"September," I mumble. I glance up at Miki and sigh softly. "You don't want to get involved with someone like me, Miki. That's what'll happen to us."

She looks down and plays with the edge of a page in her book, then whispers, "I used to . . . Really like you. I thought that maybe you'd notice and ask me out or something, but then Sterling told me all about what happened with your ex-girlfriend, and how you can't get over her, and I'm sorry."

I watch her closely, then reach out and grab her hand. "I think you're . . . A really wonderful person, Miki. But Sterling's right, and maybe if Alyssa didn't exist or I didn't know her, I would've asked you out, but I don't want to put you through the pain of being with someone who still hasn't got over their ex-girlfriend, because that's unfair. Anyway, you deserve better than me. There are nicer guys out there."

And I suppose that's what I realised about Alyssa - I'm not saying hello to her because I want to be with her again; I just want to cool down things between us, and try and make it as normal as it could be, because I don't deserve her, and I'll never be good enough for her. I never did deserve someone as good as her.

-

For Sterling's birthday on the twentieth of March he wants to go clubbing, so that's what we do - him, me, Miki, Anthony, Martin, and the girls from the Mardi Gras; Keira, Cara, Madi and Justine. We go to the same place that Sterling brought us to for my birthday, but this time things go a lot better.

The girls (except Miki) get drunk almost immediately, and Sterling brings most of them to the dance floor with him, all of them doing crazy movements in the middle of the floor. The place seems even busier than last time, and as I stand there with the twins and Miki and Justine, and we all laugh, lots of people pass us by roughly, pulling at our clothes and making our drinks spill slightly.