I Am Human (Ricky Horror)

Too late for tourniquets and bandages I'm damaged goods and that's the way it is

5 weeks later

Paige's POV

I've been struggling. Drowning in my cold, dark head. My thoughts are eating me alive. Bad mother. Terrible mother. How can I go on like this?

I love Alexander. I love Harleen. I love Ocean.

But I cannot even look at my own kids. I'm disappointed in myself. My own mother would be looking down on me and frowning. So would my father. They raised me beautifully. They were amazing parents and I love them dearly. If only I could be as great as they once were.

I find it hard to look in anyone's eyes and tell them everything's fine at the moment, because I know it's not true, and they know if I did so I'd be lying.

I think my babies hate me. I would.

Motionless In White are going on a tour again. They've tried getting out of it, but they gave up. I mean, who would turn down going on tour with Slipknot? You'd have to be crazy not to want to go with them.

I obviously cannot go. Ricky's family is back in Seattle, Ryan-Ashley is going with the boys and there's no room for me and Alexander, Harleen and Ocean.

I'm going to stuck at home, alone with three babies and this bloody sadness that's been slowly killing me for the past week and a half.

I feel betrayed, almost, that the father of my kids and my lover is going on tour while I'm stuck with the housework, the babies and this sadness.

I'm exhausted from the 2am, 4am and 5:30am feeds, I'm exhausted from running around like a madman, helping Ricky pack his shit, the housework, the babies all day everyday.

I'm also exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.

I feel weak
I feel broken
I feel sad
I feel depressed
I feel angry
I feel fat
I feel worthless
I feel ugly
I feel tired
I feel exhausted
I feel suicidal.

I want to die

And no one can see that. No one would ever be able to see and understand my sadness, my illness.

Are you okay? My sadistic mind mocks me.

No. I'm not okay. But I haven't truly been 'okay' ever since I was 10. I am still here though. I am still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.

I finally sit down and breathe out. Finally. I get a break.

"Paige!" Ugh fuck off.

"PAIGE!!" Ricky calls again.

"What?! I've been on my fucking feet for the last five weeks and you've done shit all. And I finally get a break and you call me. What?! What do you want?!" I shout angrily and Ricky comes down the stairs with a suitcase. The tour starts tomorrow.

"Don't worry." He snaps, "Oh wait, you haven worried about me for five weeks. You're always so wrapped up in yourself and the kids."

"Im not the one thy didn't use a condom. Im not the one abandoning the mother of my children to go on tour. Im not the one who's ignoring the mother of their kids' cry for help. Im depressed Ricky. I cant deal with this bullshit anymore. I'm a new mother that is being abandoned for a band by the only people she has. Even Ryan-Ashley is going and she doesn't do shit for the band, just like me, only tattoos. I'm not getting any help from anyone. You were a great dad for the first two weeks, but now you've grown bored, like a kid with toys. Alexander, Harleen and Ocean are not toys. Their our kids! Living, breathing human beings." I shout and Harleen cries from the moses basket.

I heat up an expressed bottle and I feed her, rocking her slightly.

"Im the only one being a parent, and I'm doing a shit job. Rick, I need your help. The kids need their fathers help. Your behaviour is ludicrous." I frown at him.

"Fuck this shit. I'm staying with Chris until you've learned to be a girlfriend and a mother at the same time." He goes upstairs and gets a few of his other bags.

Ricky leaves with his things and I text Ghost, telling him everything that's happened, but not the part that I said I am depressed. I don't want to worry him.

He quickly arrives with his laptop bag. He puts it on the table and logs into his Skype. I go and set Harleen in the large Moses basket and i carry it to be next to me on the ground with Ghost.

"They're beautiful. I don't know why Ricky's being an asshole." He says. I smile sadly at him while looking at my three sleeping babies in the Moses basket, all next to each other.

A woman with half read, half black hair answers the Skype call.

"Hey Ghost!" She smiles.

"Hey Ash!" He replies to Ash Costello, a woman I've heard nothing but good about.

"Hey, you must be Paige." She says, "Ghost doesn't shut up about you. Neither does Chris. I've heard nothing but good about you. Congrats on the triplets. I bet Ricky's been a great dad."

"Well, nice to uh, meet you, I guess I could say. I'm a huge fan of your band and Bat Royalty. I literally have everything the line sells." I say

"She does." Ghost adds.

She laughs. "Awesome. I love your hair."

"I love yours too." I giggle a little, even though guilt laces it.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

"Well, Ricky hasn't really been a father to them. He was all over them for their first two weeks, and then he made them my responsibility when he grew bored." I say, a tear sliding down my soft, pale cheek.

"You at Ricky's place?" She asks.

"Yeah. He's staying with Chris." I reply.

We talk for a few hours and she says:

"Then it is bad... I'll see you in a few days. I'm flying over. You cant go 6 months as a basically single mother. You don't deserve this." She says.