Macaronic

Chapter Three

     I locked my phone after reading the text from Ross, standing up from my office chair.

"I understand he feels embrassed, but is he really blind to see why I'm not bothered by this?!" I exclaimed, looking to Adam for a response.

"Maybe he does know why you're not bothered and he doesn't know how to react. You've been friends for years and maybe he never saw you in the same way you saw him," Adam said.

     I stayed silent for a moment to process what Adam had said. I didn't want it to be true, but maybe it was.

"You think he knew?" I asked with a shaky voice.

Adam gave a nod. "What'd he say?" Adam asked.

     I handed him my phone, letting him read it for himself. It read:

Max, I know we need to talk but I don't know when I'll be ready to. There are a lot of things I want to say to you about this, but I don't know if I'll ever have the courage. I don't want anything to be messed up between us, we've been friends for years and I want there to be many more years with you. I just need a few days to cool down, everyone knows and I just need to think."

     Adam sighed and set my phone down. He didn't say anything, but I knew this upset him.

"Do you think he's mad at me?" I asked. That was my worst fear. For the person I like the most to hate my guts.

"Definitely not, he just needs time with reality," Adam reassured.

     I nodded and took my phone, not responding to Ross' text. I decided I was going to give him the time he requested, but honestly my heart was falling apart. I just hoped this wouldn't be a long process.

     For hours, I just laid in bed, cursing myself for what I had done. I blamed myself for all the drinking and how out of hand it got
sometimes. I hate how just one little mistake might've ruined a very important friendship to me. It amazes me how easily things can be ruined.

     A few days had passed and I had hardly left the house. There was no reason to. There was no happiness to go enjoy. Ross was my happiness and I lost that.

     One evening as I was wallowing in self pity in my room, my phone buzzed. A text.. From Ross. My heart raced as I opened the notification and waited for the message to load.

Are you up for talking? Maybe Skype? I'd be too awkward in person but text doesn't seem right.

Yeah sure

Now or..?

Go ahead

     My computer rang and I got up to answer it. I accepted the call as I sat in my chair, slouching as soon as I saw Ross. He was a mess. His eyes were puffy and red, his cheeks were flushed. He wore a 3 day old T-shirt and wrapped himself in a plaid snuggie.

"I'm not even gonna lie, you look terrible," I muttered to him.

"I haven't really left my room," Ross said in a whisper, ashamed of his appearance.

"Well... let's talk then," I started.

     Ross nodded and adjusted his laptop screen. He cleared his throat and pulled himself together.

"Well I wanted to start off by saying I'm not mad at you," Ross said in a quiet voice. "I could never be, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, only time will tell. But what happened the other night was not what I was expecting. I kind of hate how I remember so much." Ross whimpered.

     I couldn't help but to tear up, tugging on the sleeves of my shirt with my fists. The evident pain in Ross' voice made my stomach do black flips. It actually felt like I had been shot in the heart.

"How much do you even remember?" Ross asked.

"I don't remember anything, I know because of that video," I said, straightening my voice to hide the extruciating pain I was feeling.

"If you don't remember then I don't want to bother you with the nightmares that come with what you don't remember." Ross said.

"No, you have to tell me, Ross," I demanded. I needed to know.

"I really don't want to. To say it aloud means it happened, and I'm still not okay with that," said Ross.

"I've done something that has traumaticly impacted you! You have to tell me or I'm gonna lose it!" I threatened.

"Max, I'm not saying it out loud. I'm not comfortable with it."

     I let out a frustrated huff. I was trying so hard to control my anger in front of Ross, not wanting to scar him even more than I had already.

"I'm going to live my life knowing I hurt you but not know how? Is that what you're doing to me?" I questioned, with a sassy tone. "Because I'm not okay with that, so you're going to tell me," my tone sadly turned violent as I stared into Ross' digital blue eyes.

     Ross pulled the computer towards him and began to type.

We

Had

Se...

"WHAT?!" I yelled, before Ross could finish. I knew what he was about to tell me. WHY?!

     I stood up from the desk chair and threw notebooks everywhere. Ross frantically ended the call, causing me to slam the laptop shut. I let out a frustrated scream and began to cry uncontrollably.

     Everything seemed to be ruined. The emotions got out of hand and the drama kept piling up. Important lives and feelings were in the wrong hands.

     It seemed as if all I ever did was crush the hearts of the people I loved. Crush the hearts until they were nothing but a pile of dust.