Macaronic

Chapter Twenty-Seven

**POSSIBLY TRIGGERING CONTENT**
My ship went down
In a sea of sound.
When I woke up alone I had everything:
A handful of moments I wished I could change
And a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade.

     A suit. A black suit. Something I thougt I'd never touch until my wedding day. Something I kept in the back of the closet for a rainy day, the perfect rainy day. The one where I promise myself to another as the rain falls gently outside the church. As we exchange vows and our eyes sparkle with tears. Happy tears, happy rain. But today was no wedding. No celebration. No happy tears.

     I remember freshman year of highschool. Going from an all boys, Catholic school to a public high school, and Red was the only one by my side when I walked through those big doors. New doors. Our first day, we were seperated. I panicked, being my anxious self. But as the day went on, I learned to be comfortable by myself.

     8th period rolled around and I was reunited with my ginger brother. We goofed off and laughed as if we had been glued together all day. We didn't mention our days before seeing each other again. It didn't matter, we just wanted to enjoy being together again.

     Heaven. That's my 8th period. That's where I'll see him again. Where nothing on Earth will matter, because Red is beyond compare to this silly earth. He deserves a puff of clouds beneath his feet, a pure, pain-free life. He deserves that.

     I was the last one to rest my hand on his. His cold, still hand didn't move when I expected it to. It stayed stiff, and it never moved again. I laced my fingers with his and scanned over his face. He showed no sign of distress or suffering. It was the most peaceful I had ever seen him. It was comforting to see that. The last look on his face. I swear I saw a little curl, as if he was trying to smile before the line went dead.

     A single tear slid down my face, landing on his knuckle. I didn't bother wiping it off. It's as if I sent a part of me with him into the ground. As if I was never leaving him, and he was never leaving me. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forhead, lingering for a moment.

     I remember throwing an intimidating senior into a locker sophomore year, after seeing him shove Red aside. His books scattered all over the place, which I collected for him after the bully had scurried away.

"Don't worry little bro, he won't mess with you anymore," I remember saying.

     I didn't mind the nickname Mad Max that stuck with me after that incident. As long as it kept people from shoving Red around, I was content.

"Don't worry little brother," I whispered before standing straight. "I'll see you soon,"

     With that, I walked towards Ross and Shelby who offered me a thousand tissues and hugs. I buried my face into Ross' shoulder as the pallbearers carried his beautiful casket out to the herse. We escaped into our cars and lead the procession to the cemetery. Ross took the wheel as I was too unstable. I collected myself as much as possible before arriving to the cemetary.

     We all gathered around, wind and sniffles filling the sounds around us. I took a seat in the front row with a ball of notebook paper in my hand. My nerves crushed my speech up, but I knew I didn't need it. I needed my heart.

     I was presented and took my spot in front of friends, my second family, close ones. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a glance behind me at the closed casket.

     I barely made it through, but was comforted by Ross as I came back to my seat. After the ceremony, I rushed back to the car. I couldn't watch them lower my best friend into the ground.

     I wish I could say this was unexpected. I wish I had an excuse to be crying as much as I am. It's going to take me years to get over it, and I have no idea how I'll manage even that.

     Death leaves a heartache nothing can heal. There's forever going to be a missing piece. It's been sucked up into the vacuum, never to be seen again. My breathing becomes unsteady just trying to imagine life without Red in arms length.

     Red was the last person who deserved this. He was the purest person alive, I swear. I'd do anything it takes to switch spots with him. I'd much rather be dug into the ground for all eternity if it meant my little brother could smile once more. Why do bad things happen to good people? I have no idea.

     Barney trotted over to the car and I slipped out to receive his hug. We stayed silent as we held on the first few moments.

"I'm sorry I lied," I whispered.

"Lied?" He questioned.

"If promised it'd all be okay" I made out before bursting into tears once more.