A Year of Stories (Collection Two)

The New Candidate

"Welcome candidate, you will now be presented with a series of questions. Please answer them as quickly and as accurately as you can. You will be graded both on your truthfulness – as measured by skin conductivity, micro expressions and voice stress analysis – as well as on how closely your answers match our required profile.

"Be aware that you have five minutes to complete this portion of the test, before the neurotoxin in your blood stream paralyzes your central nervous system, leading to rapid suffocation and death. If you attempt to leave this room before the test is complete, we reserve the right to shoot you, a right we will very likely exercise.

If you have any questions, or would like to speak to a human being, please press the red button to your left, labeled 'call,' otherwise say, 'I understand.'"

"I understand."

"Great! The timer has begun, I wish you the best of luck!"

"Thanks."

"While I appreciate your casual affection, I am merely an Expert System designed to facilitate testing, please be aware that you do not need to thank me, and doing so merely wastes precious seconds that could otherwise be used keeping yourself alive."

"OK..."

"I'm trying to be helpful."

"What would be helpful is if you would start asking the questions before I suffocate!"

"You know, politeness costs you nothing."

"But you just told me that I don't need to be polite!"

"I know what I said, that doesn't mean..."

"Ask the questions!"

"OK, OK, be that way. Question number one, what is your full name?"

"Elijah Dilwen Wong."

"Great! Question number two, what is your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"You're on a roll, good for you! Question three, what is the capital of Estonia?"

"Wait...what?"

"What is the capital of Estonia?"

"Is that... is that really ... relevant?"

"No, it's not. What is the capital of Estonia?"

"I ... I have no idea."

"Excellent, it's clear that you don't. The answer is Tallinn. It is also clear now that you are terrible at geography."