Call Me Crazy

47.

I woke up this morning to the same amount of sunlight beaming in through my window, the same amount of blankets on top of my bed to keep me warm during the freezing cold night, and the same irritating ring of my alarm to let me know that it's promptly nine in the morning - the same time I wake up every morning.

Yet, today was much different. Today was a day where the sunlight didn't seem quite as bright, the blankets didn't have the same protecting feeling that they once had, and the alarm only blurred through my mind as it became suffocated by the other thoughts running through my head. Last night wasn't quite as pleasant as I wanted it to be.

The call came around one thirty in the morning. The room was silent and my breathing was the only sound that moved through the air until my phone buzzed with a number I hadn't noticed before. What I wasn't ready to hear in that miraculous call was news about Tyler. Bad news.

He passed.

His loving soul left his body, only leaving cold skin and pulseless veins while his whole being went into another world - one which I will never be able to get to unless, well, I decide to join him. And in fact, I have thought about it. Just going with him, seeing his bright eyes and feeling his warm arms wrapped around my body for an endless hug, but, I know that I can't do that. 

I can't just leave and let the world try to move on without me. I have friends. They're not great, but they're there for me. And I have parents. They may not be the best, but they try. Either way, leaving anyone behind to live a life in this world would be selfish and detrimental to those who love me here, on earth - Or at least that's the way Tyler taught me to think about life and death. 

Even though I would want nothing more than to just join him and leave all of it behind - the pain, the crying, the sorrow - I know I can't. I'm too curious about what the future has in store for me. Although Tyler's death seemed to be sudden, it wasn't. I could tell by the way he looked at me. The way he saw the world. The way his breath would catch every time I mentioned death. He wasn't alright, and he's been a mess far before I began talking to him. I guess I must have just been the small push that told him that his time was right - even though it wasn't. He should be here with me, but it's too late now. 

I could dwell on all of the things I wanted to say and change, but I can't. It's over. His war is over. Mine's still one that I need to fight. I know I'll never be able to talk to him about his dreams, or watch the way his mouth curved into a smile every time I would say the word 'coffee' weird, or how he smelled of crisp cashmere with a hint of flowers when he hugged me, but I can't let it hold me back. Tyler wouldn't want that. 

So, with every ounce of confidence and happiness I had in my body, I slipped on my heels and walked outside to get ready for his funeral. My mom asked why I was in the driveway and ready two hours before the actual ceremony, but she didn't need to know my exact reason why. She'd understand.

I walked across the street and into the familiar backyard that we had spent not only our childhood in, but also a part of the past few months in. I sat on the cold grass behind the house and pretended as if Tyler was sitting right next to me. The sun shone bright down on me, which I decided to take as a sign that he was with me in that moment.

So, with my index finger of my right hand, I gently traced my finger over the indent in the tree trunk that we had carved our names into only a month ago. The bark still felt soft and the indent was still crisp and hadn't faded or filled in one bit. 

It was just the same as when we first made the carving - gentle, yet bold. Just like Tyler.

I smiled as my finger moved towards the 'T' in his name, and then over the large heart containing both of our initials. Then, as I looked up at the warm sun above my body, I smirked and squinted at the bright light.

"I'm not going anywhere," I whispered as I took my hand away from the bark and placed it on the grass next to me, right where Tyler was sitting when we originally came here. "I promise."