[Permission has been granted by firedance_icesong for me to publish this critique]
Genre: Fantasy
Chapters: 3-5
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I. ELOCUTION
a. Major Grammar Corrections
Chapter 3
- Your first paragraph had a lot of unnecessary descriptive words. I'd suggest cutting the adverbs and adjectives in half, mostly to help keep the paragraph from getting cluttered. This applies for the majority of the chapter.
Chapter 4
- "...reflected what she felt. Rejected and solitary." -- "...reflected what she felt. Rejected and solitary." - In the second sentence you list two different and contrasting types of words. "Rejected" is a state of being in the past tense, while "solitary" is a noun. They need to match. If you change them both to state of being, it would be "Rejected and isolated." (Solitary doesn't work well here.) if you changed them both to nouns, it would be "Rejection and isolation." (Solitary still doesn't work well.)
- "...a light has been lit in her void life." - This needs to be in past tense, like "had been lit".
- "Then suddenly as if nature had it..." - I would put a comma after "suddenly" for added emphasis.
- "...said Chavva slight sarcasm lacing in her voice." - There should be a comma after "Chavva", and I would suggest removing the "in".
- "Besides, she did not want to loose her appetite..." - "lose", not "loose".
- "...from her turquoise blue, which..." - You missed "eyes" after "blue".
- "Boil this water and give her." - It should be "give it to her."
Chapter 5
- "...the cress-cross pattern..." - I believe you meant "criss-cross"
- "Come in the horses have a shelter." - This sentence, for lack of punctuation, is a bit confusing. There needs to be a comma or period somewhere to indicate the emphasis. Try reading the sentence out loud exactly as it's written, and you'll that the flow is incorrect.
b. Major Style Corrections
Chapter 3
- "...he started saying the tale in his alluring husky voice." - I felt like this one had too many descriptions. First of all, "telling" is more appropriate than "saying" here. Second, I would eliminate "alluring" altogether. Third, "husky" means "raspy", so assuming he doesn't have a cold all the time, I would suggest changing that. If you do, however, think he sounds husky in this specific moment, consider changing "his" to "an", implying that it's a special case of a husky voice as opposed to a consistent vocal trait.
- "Not once or twice the millennia from then are we here, but more than twice times six millennia before did she live" - I believe this is one of many places where you use elegant and unusual sentence structure to convey the differences in culture. However, I had to re-read the sentence multiple times to get any semblance of understanding what was meant by it, and I think it is a bit too much. I'd suggest making your sentence style a bit simpler for the sake of understandability.
- "...as the reflection of the flames danced in his green orbs." - I only note this because, on Wattpad especially, using "orbs" in place of "eyes" is an EXTREMELY overused descriptor, and I feel rather peeved whenever I see it. I'd highly recommend changing it to simply "eyes", no descriptors or adjectives.
