Eternal Critiques

NBR || Dragon Speakers || @CoraFoerstner

Genre: Fantasy, Middle Grade
Chapters: Chapter 1

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(SOT critique so no structure commentary this time, sorry! School starts soon and lots of prep)

I. QUESTIONS

1) Characters: I think I like the characters. The only thing I had questions about was what role Risby plays. I understand he's her friend, but seeing as she's the princess, I'm curious about his societal status, and how that plays into their friendship dynamics. When it comes to their friendship in itself, I thought it was interesting to watch. I couldn't shake a sense that there was some underlying dynamic to things that I'm missing out on, but that could be easily repaired with context added to this or further chapters, as I'm sure you know. I don't expect you to lay out their whole friendship timeline in the first chapter, of course. However, there was still that sense, throughout the whole chapter I think, like there was a basic level of context that had yet to be laid out and so I wasn't getting the full impact/engagement that was intended. I might suggest:

a) at least mentioning Risby's societal status (peasant/noble, his employment path, really even just the justification for his being in the castle at all), just to let the reader draw up some preliminary ideas about the backstory for their relationship.

b) possibly considering ways of adding more context to the emotions and concepts surrounding their friendship. There are plenty of places prime for these kind of "mini infodumps", namely places you delve into Gwen's thoughts. When she is angry at him would be a good example, though a better one would be when she stops being angry at him. Of course, you don't want too much, as it would detract from the flow of her thoughts and muddle the direction they are pointing, but even a few phrases/thoughts here and there could add some additional volume to their relationship early on, heightening the intended emotional value of their interactions.

2) Conflict and Engagement: I actually very much enjoyed the sense of conflict. It felt a bit muddled at first, but as it went on things became more clear and the dynamics piqued my interest. I like the idea of her hating her father, though that does bring up the question of wondering why she's spending so much time trying to impress him. I like the concept of not wanting to resort to the "old ways", banning magic for the sake of what I perceived to be attempts at more scientific approaches. This all gave me a strange feeling that I quite enjoyed and can't recall getting from other similar kinds of concepts/books/shows. I feel like overall, it needs a bit more refining simply because several things were lost on me, and I don't think Middle Grade readers are likely to pick up on it either. I've read a lot of Middle Grade books recently (PJO, for example), and I see what my younger siblings (ages 10-15) read, and in that material there is generally an over-abundance of clarity about the very concepts you are asking of (antagonists, conflict, etc). It could never hurt to find more ways to add context and clarity to the important bits of the chapter, just to make sure the information is truly cemented and will be picked up on for sure, especially by younger readers. I ended up a bit unsure about it (is the antagonist supposed to be Kalima?), even though I did skim over the rest of the chapter past the stop line.

3) Overall: I'll use the commentary section to answer this.

II. COMMENTARY

~ The first paragraph felt a bit... lacking. It kind of felt as though it was continuing from another section of text, one that we don't have or that has been cut off. Kind of like the context for it is incomplete, so the information within it loses its meaning a bit. I feel like that comes just from the presentation. The information itself seems hardly related to the next paragraph, and you may do better to cut out the first paragraph entirely, finding a different place to incorporate that information if it is truly necessary.

~ I really enjoyed several of lines from this. The speech patterns of this time are rather different from current times, but you still manage to keep it feeling realistic and relatable despite it, simultaneously allowing the patterns to do their job of slightly alienating their culture from our own.

~ Your descriptions are absolutely beautiful. You definitely have a knack for descriptions in themselves, but more importantly, you seem to have a great sense of where to apply them and where NOT to apply them. I love your nature visuals, and I had a great picture in my mind with just enough left to my own imagination to keep it flowing naturally and enjoyable. That's a great writing strength that I totally applaud you for.

~ I was actually left a bit confused about what is going on with "Kalima", if that's her name, the wizard used by her father (this concept in itself brings up questions: if her father doesn't like the "old ways", which I assume has something to do with magic, why does he personally employ a witch/wizard to his service? If the "old ways" encompass something other than just magic in general, I wasn't picking up on that). Her function was a bit unclear, but more importantly, something about the intended feeling of danger surrounding her was lost on me. This may just fall into the overall category of a lack of context, but I may just be sleepy when I'm writing this and missing something obvious. It also may be covered more in depth past the cut off point, since I skimmed that and saw that she was addressed several more times, and if that is the case, simply ignore this paragraph.

~ Overall, you have a phenomenal writing style (even if I'd had time for structure critiques, there hardly would have been anything to actually critique, it's a very well polished chapter on that front), and I'm absolutely loving the plot concepts behind all of this. However, the main thing I'd suggest working on is finding ways to rectify the running theme of a lack of context. Not necessarily world/setting context, which is of course added as time goes on, but emotional context. I could easily read what you were intending to portray in every part of the chapter, but the actual emotional impact was continually lost on me, most likely for that I couldn't fully understand the true intended significance of it. My curiosity was piqued, but left a bit stifled by the places I could sense an emotional projection going over my head. Events had trouble sticking into my memory as a result of this, meaning reading over the chapter a few times to make sure that I hadn't missed something. Of course, seeing all the glowing reviews you are receiving, this could completely just be me. This writing style/genre is not my forte, nor my favorite, which may make me not the person you want to listen to, but I can definitely say that overall, this was very enjoyable and well-written. Just possibly with that lacking undertone that tends to pull me in. It's all very subtle and probably not as big a deal as I spent time talking about it, I'm again just very tired and a bit slow at this time of day. Sorry if this didn't end up making much sense! ^_^'

DEFINITELY keep writing. With some refining, I could see this being a perfect opening chapter. Good luck, and congrats on the spotlight!

~ Nik

PS: Ah yes, the comment topic. Could I identify her internal drive? The answer is a resounding "yes". It was very clear what her direct actions were driven by, but you left the underlying motive to the imagination for the time being: a smart move. Great job, again!