[Permission has been granted by KateKay3948 for me to publish this critique]
Genre: Fantasy
Chapters: Prologue, Chapters 1-2
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I. ELOCUTION
a. Major Grammar Corrections
Prologue
- "...looking the exact same way he did when they first met." - This is me nitpicking, but I think it might sound better as "...looking the exact same way he had when they'd first met."
Chapter 1
- Arder pointed to the it." - Typo, omit the "the".
- "Whatever he had meant, he had left without a trace; leaving nothing behind but..." - I would change the semi-colon to a comma.
Chapter 2
- "Some considered it as the "bad" part..." - I would suggest removing the "as".
b. Major Style Corrections
Prologue
- "Nor did she know that although the boy had been told over and over that it had to happen, he was angry at himself for what he'd done." - Another nitpick, but I think a comma after "that" and before "although" would enhance the flow. That could just be me, though.
Chapter 1
- "...Arder spotted a tall, expensively-dressed blond man..." - For me, if a description is unnecessary, I recommend removing it. Considering it appears this man has no further purpose in the story other than knocking her into the street, I'd say the color of his hair is irrelevant and just bogs down the sentence.
- "Without a second glance (or a first one, for that matter), the man..." - I tend to very strongly dislike using parentheses in narrative. It really annoys me, and while that may be just me, it strikes me as somewhat unprofessional. I might suggest changing that to something like "Without a second glance -- or a first one, for that matter -- the man..."
- "...but something about him felt different and she just couldn't place what it was." - This feels like a bit of a cliche. There's nothing wrong with the concept of something about him being different, but the wording makes it come across as cliche. I might suggest the "show don't tell" thing. Give us some subtle, subliminal, tiny things that stick out to her. Allow the reader to draw their own conclusion that the boy is "different" somehow, rather than having the character do it for them without presenting any evidence as to how they got to said conclusion.
- The part where she went off mentally about the necklace felt a bit out of place, and disrupted the flow. I might suggest finding a better place to insert that narrative. Maybe when the boy is actually looking at it, rather than just by convenience of her gripping at it.
- "She nodded, curious about how he had guessed. "Yeah." As far as she knew..." - The "Yeah" is too brief to be inserted in the middle of this section, and simply disrupts the flow. I might suggest putting it before "she nodded", to get it out of the way immediately.
Chapter 2
- Nothing to correct, here! Great job!
c. Favorite Parts
Prologue
- "Her dark red hair was like a fire burning in the darkness, a beacon glowing brightly for her hunter to find."
