Genre: Teen Fiction
Chapters: Spy or no spy? (Chapter 4)
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I. ELOCUTION
a. Major Grammar Corrections
~ You switch tenses from present to past more than could be written off as a few typos. That's a significant but simple error that is easily fixed.
~ "Sparks bats Nicks hand..." - Should be "Nick's".
~ "I didn't even know how long I was staying here?" - This isn't a question, so there shouldn't be a question mark.
~ "Instead Doctor Ryan comes in." - Comma after "instead".
~ "No," I say deadpan. - "Comma after "say".
b. Major Style Corrections
~ "Day 2." - So two things on this. One, spelling out the number rather than using the symbolic numeral is considered more professional in general. Two, I had thought it was a header of some sort and was about to ask why the first sentence (the next sentence) made no sense, like it was cut off at the beginning. I would suggest spelling out "two", combining the first and second lines, and separating them with a colon rather than a period.
~ "(less brain swelling again!)" - This could totally be just me, but I tend to see using parentheses in narrative as a kind of unprofessional. It might look better to surround it by dashes instead, to indicate the break in the sentence.
~ "Judging by the phrases on that last one..." - It took me a bit too long to figure out what you meant by "phrases". It may be better to use "headlines" instead.
II. PLOT
1) Primary Event Points
- Olivia wakes up and Nate comes back to visit her again, bearing gifts
- Detective Sparks comes back with a box of stuff identifying Olivia
- Nick offers to let Olivia stay with him upon hearing she is virtually homeless
2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism
~ So basically, I'm going to be totally blunt and say that cases of amnesia NEVER happen like this in real life. The first few lines of every description I found on it pointed this fact out, that the "Hollywood amnesia" is actually the exact opposite of what happens in real life. Here's a whole link on what that means and what it's really like: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/amnesia/basics/definition/con-20033182
HOWEVER, I will note that this fact does not in itself mean you can't write the story like this or you can't pass it off as realistic. It's such a well-used trait by authors in general that it really just comes down to the readers wanting a good story, even if it doesn't exactly reflect reality. It is still good, however, to be aware that it doesn't.
~ I really like how you had her believe that she was cute. I always wondered what I'd think if I saw myself as everyone else saw me, forgot what I looked like and recorded my reaction to seeing myself for the first time. Not having memories allows her to bypass any insecurities and view herself objectively, meaning her first impression of herself is realistic and I love having that there.
~ Having a mirror scene to describe a character's appearance is oft considered cliche. However, I believe this can be easily repaired on your part by combining it with another slightly misplaced element: your descriptive skills. You've already got a great description there, it just currently doesn't make much sense for the narrator to describe everything in such depth unless a small thing is changed. Basically you can fix all of this by just having her specifically examining herself in the mirror, looking for a trace of something familiar to jog her memory in every aspect of her appearance (which could justify describing every aspect of her appearance as you have). Combine the two elements, problems solved!
