Genre: Fantasy
Chapters: Prologue (Part 2)
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(SOT critique so no line edits this time, sorry! School starts soon and lots of prep)
QUESTIONS
1) Plot: I'm going to mix this in with question two.
2) Overall: I think that there were a few major things worth fixing.
a. Pacing: There were several pacing issues in this chapter. First of all, the first sentence fell flat to me because it felt like a run-on. I would break it off before "except", and instead start a new sentence. Consider rewording it like this: "The day of my ball started like any other day, with one exception: everything felt as if it were a movie on fast forward." Note that this version was actually longer, but adding punctuation helps add inflection and gives the reader micro-breaks at each "vocal" pause. This is extremely valuable, because starting with what feels like a run-on is a good way to make the reader go "if the first line is tiring to read, I can't imagine what the rest of the book is like". I know that wasn't your intent, but some simple punctuation can easily repair the error.
That is, still, only the first line. The whole chapter was reminiscent of this error. While your descriptions and vocabulary were pleasing in themselves, I still had trouble visualizing the characters and events, especially as the chapter progressed. For example, you never even mentioned the instrument she was playing, when she picked it up, any of that, before having the concert begin. The events felt jumbled and rushed, not given the proper attention to leave any kind of emotional impact on me. By the end, I was left confused enough that I still am not completely sure what happened, my understanding to vague for the events to have stuck in my memory since I read it 24 hours ago.
b. Characters: Realism and consistency are a concern here. Some scattered thoughts I had varied from wondering why Nanny had such an outburst at such an inappropriate time to why Waverley knows the woman who passes her speaks German. Why does Waverley's mother speak in past tense about her, as if she were dead? Why does Waverley suddenly act as if she doesn't know who Nanny even is? All of these are questions I can only attribute to oversight, and I can't currently guess at the answers to them. The characters didn't make a lot of sense to me in the way they behaved, and even when they started to a little, something would change that would contradict the ideas I was forming.
On another note, the picture in the chapter header and the way you describe her make her seem very young, maybe between seven and ten at most. She behaves as if she were six, but she can play the violin well enough to have a concert for a large audience of adults? Still, her actual age is never clarified, which makes it difficult to envision her well and place her on a character maturity scale relative to her age. This might be a good thing to better clarify. If you did this in the previous chapter, then ignore this part.
c. Purpose: There is already a ton of stigma surrounding the Prologue concept. With a normal prologue, you already run the risk of having people simply skip over the thing altogether. However, I think having your prologue split into two sections doubles the risk. My initial gut reaction to the seeing the divide was deterrent, which is not a good thing. I always say that you need to have a seriously good reason for a prologue at all, and in this case, an EXTREMELY good reason for it being split into two parts. As far as I can tell, this chapter is alright as a chapter, but it does not hit the mark of necessary in my mind. Then again, I can't be totally sure of its purpose without the context of the rest of the book, so maybe this provides an imperative bit of backstory for the MC. But even as I can tell this may be a character turning point, that doesn't necessarily mean it needs its own chapter. You could find ways to bring it out through the plot and characters as the book goes on. There's also the basic question: is there a major time skip between the prologue and the first chapter? If not, just make the prologue(s) into normal chapters. Overall, reconsider the true purpose of these chapters and determine for yourself whether they are necessary, and if they are, how to make them more appealing to a reader to overcome the initial aversion, while still keeping the content that makes it necessary at all.
3) Publishable?: This is definitely a hard question to gauge based on only one chapter: a prologue, no less. I have no idea thus far what the actual book will sound/feel like. Based on this chapter alone, I might say that this book has some potential, but that's a ballpark guess, and it will definitely need some major editing before getting there. However, if publication is your goal, I urge you to keep working toward it. I think nearly any book can be publishable, with enough effort put into it, and the fact you care is the best start one can ask for.
On that note, I actually do run an editing service, and if it's something you are still looking for, feel free to PM me and we can discuss it.
CT) I think there wasn't a lot of internal drive introduced, but considering how early in the book this is, and more so that it's a prologue, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.
I don't want you to think I thought this a bad story. Not at all. I simply am running extremely low on time (I'm writing this with only a few minutes left til the due date), and I think you would find criticisms more useful then praise. I did enjoy the concepts I understood, and I was reminded somehow of The Secret Garden, a childhood favorite of mine. Moreover, I can tell you enjoy writing this a lot and put a good lot of effort into, and regardless of the critique given here and anywhere else, don't let it discourage you! Let it empower you to keep bettering, because this, again, has plenty of potential just waiting to be developed.
Congrats on your spotlight, and hope you had a good week,
~ Nik
