is it....LOVE!?

Thirty Six

Rosalind.

I couldn't have asked for a better mother.
Although it was a little annoying that she treated me like a Chinese doll, it still felt nice.
It felt nice to finally let it all up and have a shoulder to cry on.
That Friday night, I cried myself to sleep, woke up on Saturday to realize mom had tucked me into bed. Apart from the pounding headache I had, I felt better than I'd ever felt in ages.

She kept the boys away from me, insisting I needed to rest, I needed a break not that they minded, their aunt Sam was spending every waking minute with them, just that Scott was more emotionally dependent on me and had to see me frequently, as if checking if I was alright.

Cute.

My phone rang again, startling me.
It was Jake.
He'd been calling since Saturday morning and I'd just
hand the phone over to Sam and the boys. I knew he wanted to talk to me

Rosie, Prince Jake wants to talk to you.
I just waved her off and shook my head.
How could he?
What if mom had lost her cool before talking to me?
What if she...
I shook my head to clear my head off the horrible thoughts.

It's a good thing she's alright.
I raked my phalanges through my hair.

I'm not talking to Jake.
At least not yet.
"Rosa, we'll be leaving soon."
Mom mumbled beside me as she went through their records for the week.
Tricia brought them to her earlier as mom had requested.

"Oh... I thought you were leaving tomorrow and Sam was going straight to school from here."
I couldn't hide the disappointment from my voice.

"We would've stayed but Samantha forgot to pack her uniform."
Mom said, pinning Sam with a look.
Sam looked away immediately.

"You could move in with us until Jake returns."
She offered.
Tempting...

"We'll think about it."
I clicked my tongue. I wanted to but I couldn't just take the boys out of the house for a few weeks without their father's permission.

Besides, I had no right.

Now that you've gotten Jake out of your mind, you know your place.
I had no legal right over the boys.
I sat there quietly, watching them play with Sam, hearing their giggles.

I blinked back my tears.
See, you're not so macho after all.
I felt a hand cover mine.
It was mom, I guessed she picked on the sudden fall in my mood.

I shook my head. "I'm not sure Jake would like that."
I mumbled, only loud enough for her to hear.
She stared at me for a while and then went back to writing and closing accounts like I hadn't said a word.

I knew my mother, she'd make Jake allow us to spend the remaining three weeks with her.
I could care less what she does to him.

#

"Hey Blackwood soldiers."
I heard Jake holla at his boys as I sat silently at a distance, watching the boys as they smiled and reached out to touch the screen.
They never get tired of that.

"You're tired Scott? Yeah. Me too, I had a long day."

I heard them giggle, I was sure he was making funny faces at them.
"I love you boys, you know that?"
Surprisingly, they nodded, smiling from ear to ear.

"And I miss you and your mama."

"I missss you"
Carter drawled back.
Woah!

Guess they've heard enough 'I miss you's' in the last week to last them a lifetime.
They kept giggling and giggling. I was beginning to wonder what Jake was showing to my boys.
Sorry, his boys.

I closed my eyes and willed the pain away but it only grew.
I took a deep breath. No crying. I promised mom I wouldn't cry again.

When I opened my eyes, they'd stopped giggling and were just starring at the screen.
"Good night boys."
Jake spoke softly. I watched them try to stay awake and fail. It was quite amusing.
How can I live without seeing this pair of cuteness everyday?
The pain just intensified.

After the boys had fallen asleep, I waited a little for Jake to log off but he didn't, I could hear the shuffling in the background.

"Baby, are you done yet? Come back to bed."
One would miss it but I didn't, I heard the other female in the room with Jake.

Angrily, I walked to the laptop and slammed it close.
Jake was with another woman.
It wasn't my business, he owed me no obligation, there was no fidelity from both parties in the contract and Jake Blackwood had needs.
A nobody cannot sate those needs. It was his life, I'm just the mother of his children.
Why did it hurt so much?

As I took carter to their crib, I thought against it and took him to my room.
I wanted them beside me, he had less than three months together and I was going to make most of it.

After laying Carter down on my bed, I went back to get Scott.
"Mama."
He mumbled in his sleep and snuggled closer, burying his face in my neck.
I rubbed his back soothingly.
I laid him down beside his brother and got in with them.
Pulling the covers over us, I turned off the light and tried to get some sleep.

KEYWORD: Tried.
I didn't get wink of sleep, I kept tossing and turning, checking on the boys more than usual.
I couldn't get the image of Jake and that woman out of my head.
I didn't even see her but I knew it was one of those supermodels with the killer body and hair to die for.
Would he go down on her like he does to me?
I sighed and sat up.

3:53am
The digital clock on my dresser read.
I shook my head.

I can't do this to myself. I need air, I had to grow out of this infatuation, Jake can only hurt me if he gets a chance to and I wouldn't give him that.