is it....LOVE!?

Forty three

Rosalind.

"I'm so sorry sweethearts... I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...."
I couldn't stop crying.
"I love you two so bad..."
I left their room, afraid to wake them up.
I couldn't stay and be an emotionally detached mom.
Their father just wanted my body and I couldn't do that to myself even if I loved him.

I was in my old clothes, yep. My old jeans and black shirt.
My small duffel bags containing my old stuff in my hand.

I left Jake a note on the floor in his room. He was asleep and hopefully, he'd remain that way until I leave.

I checked my watch, my cab will be outside Jake's property in a minute.

I looked around the house one more time, clutching tight, the flash drive in my other hand.
I'd really miss being here. All the memories, with my boys, with Jake, baking and making fresh juice...
I took a deep breath as if drawing in courage then I slowly dragged myself out of the house.

The tears returned as I sat myself inside the cab, I managed to say my address to the cab driver who looked sorry for me.
I hated that look.

Trust Jake to organize a small party for the boys.
His friends and partners filled the house earlier with gifts and well wishes. It was impossible to be happy, knowing I'd be separated from my boys in a few hours.
I remained gloomy throughout the party and I quietly left the gifts I got them beside their other toys.

My sobs quieted down reasonably, only then did I remember the four gigabyte flash drive in my hand, containing videos, selfies and other pictures of me and my boys.
My heart clenched painfully as it dawned on me that the flash drive was the only thing I'd ever have...
Tears streamed down my cheeks again and I didn't bother wiping at them.

"We're here."
The driver's voice jolted me out of my thoughts.
I pulled out a couple of bills from my pocket and gave it to him, hopping off and walking to the door before he could sort the change.

I rang the doorbell and waited.
After a few seconds there was no answer so I rang again.
There was a muffled "Rosalind?"
On the other side before the door clicked open.

"I knew something was wrong with one of my girls."
Mom mumbled and stepped aside for me to get in.
Immediately she closed and locked the door, I threw myself at her.

"What's wrong baby? You're so distressed, I can feel it."
I sobbed hard, hiding my face in the crook of her neck.

"It hurts mom! So bad... Make it stop, please!"
I cried.
Her arms curved around me in understanding.
We stood there until my sobs died down, mom took my bag and led me to my room, the same room I'd slept in with my boys for three weeks.
Tears filled my eyes again.

Mom sat me down on my bed and sat down beside me, pulling me into her arms.
"Tell me."
She whispered softly, stroking my hair.

I did.

Everything from when Jake returned from whatever part of the earth he went to that very day, my boys second birthday.
"Poor thing."
Mom whispered, hugging me tighter against her as my tears streamed uncontrollably.

She stroked my hair gently, whispering soothing words to me until I fell asleep.

#

I wasn't in my bed.
I noticed before I opened my eyes, the light streaming into my room indicated that I'd overslept.

I bolted up in panic, my boys...
Then I remembered that I was back at home with mom and Sam, everything that happened the previous day came flooding back.
I slowly laid down and curled myself into a fatal position, my heart pounding painfully in my chest.

I couldn't even regret meeting Jake, I loved my boys too much to regret their father.
I wish I'd just die and end it all, my chest hurt so bad...
What in God's name will I do with my life now?
I could barely feel anything other than the hurt.

I needed something to do or I'd spend the rest of my life hurting and crying. I wiped my cheeks but the tears returned like I never did.
I closed my eyes but snapped them right open, images of my babies flooded my mind, they looked so vulnerable in their sleep.

They need me! and I just left.
I cried harder.

"Good morning sweetie."
Mom walked into my room, on her face a small smile which fell when she saw my face.

"Morning mom. I'm fine, trust me, I was just getting ready for school."
I rose from the bed and started taking off my clothes.

"Well, your breakfast is on the table and you should hurry before it gets cold."
Mom said, with a perplexed look on her face.

"Thanks."
I ran into my bathroom, only letting my tears fall when I turned on the cold water.
It was cold alright but I couldn't give myself the luxury of using hot water.

I washed my body, dressed up and pulled my hair up into a tight ponytail I took my notebook and stuck my pen into my jean pocket before leaving the house.
I channeled all my energy to focusing on my lectures and keeping my tears away. I also avoided the few friends I'd made during my first week of being there.
By the time I made it back home, I was tired and on the verge of tears, I wanted nothing more than to hide somewhere and weep.

I'd forgotten about leaving Jake's house and given his address to the cab driver who became annoyed with me when later I told him to turn around and go in the opposite direction.

"Hi mom."
I kissed her cheek when I found her in the kitchen, obviously fixing dinner.

"How was your day?"
Mom called as I made my way to Sam's room, wanting to sneak up on Sam, I didn't answer mom.

"....you hurt her! She was crying last night and saying it hurt! You broke your promise! I hate you Jake!!!"
Sam was barking at Jake over the phone.
I thought she was asleep last night...
I heard her huff angrily before pushing the door to her room.

"Sammy, can I come in?"
She nodded and I let myself in.

"What's wrong?"
I asked, making my way to her side, feigning ignorance.
She sighed deeply.

"Nothing. Mommy said you were sick, are you alright."
She was kneeling on her bed, her blue eyes starring into mine.
I nodded and sat myself at the edge of her bed.

"I just need a tight hug..."
I said in a cartoony voice.
She smiled and threw her arms around me.

I hugged her back immediately.
Just what I needed.
"I love you Rosie."
I closed my eyes tight and chocked back a sob.

"I love you too peanut."
She pulled out immediately I said peanut.

"I'm not a peanut!"
She retorted, crossing her arms.
I chuckled at the playful scowl on her face.

"You are my peanut."
I said and hurried out of her room before she could retort.

"Girls! Dinner's ready!"
Mom called from the kitchen.
I ignored her, peeled off my jeans and bra before falling into bed.
I wasn't hungry.
I couldn't eat.

What are my boys doing now?
Have they eaten?
Who bathed them this morning?
Where is Jake, with them or at work?
I miss them so much.....

I promised myself that I'd take our pictures to the studio and have some printed and framed.