Alive and Shattered

Alive and Shattered: Chapter Twenty One {Adena's POV}

Adena’s POV:

"Is this yours?" Dylan said, repeating his question. How did he find it? I thought I put it back in the box?

"No, it must be a broken piece from the picture frame," I quickly shouted out.

"Adena-"

"It's weird, a piece of the frame that big would just.. fall off!"

"Adena!" He yelled, silencing me. "This isn't a part of a picture frame. This..." My heart froze. "This is a razor," my whole world seemed to stop in that moment and I held my breath.

He couldn't know, I have to think of something else.

"My sister is staying in this room. It must be hers," I sighed inwardly with relief. That was a good excuse. Dylan nodded, seeming to be buying it for the moment.

"Oh that's awful. I think you should talk to her about it."

"I agree. I will." I found myself nodding.

"Here," he said, reaching out to hand it to me. I nodded, happy he was falling for it. But instead, he grabbed onto my arm. I tried to pull away from him but his grip was too strong.

"Dylan, please!" I cried out as he pulled back my sleeve, revealing my multiple deep cuts and scars from previous times. He backed away, a loud gasp escaping his lips. I could only look at him as his eyes became glassy.

Was he about to cry? Over me?

"Adena," was all he could say. Just hearing the way he said my name broke me. I turned away from him; unable to bear the pain in his eyes. Pain that I didn’t understand. "How long... did I... how many of those did I cause?" I turned back to him; unaware of the fact that I had a few tears that escaped my eyes. I watched as a tear slipped from his eye. He turned his back to me, so I slowly walked to the door and closed it, remembering it was still open.

My family didn’t need to hear any of this because I would make sure they’d never know. Locking the door, I turned back to him.

"Dylan," I started, trying to come up with an excuse.

"Does Quinton know?" He questioned.

"Dylan."

"Do your parents? Adena, you have to tell them!" He spun around and moved past me, towards the door.

"Dylan, please!" I begged, grabbing onto his hand and pulling him away from the door. He pulled his hand out of mine and at that moment I broke down. I couldn't do it anymore.

Crashing to my knees, I started to cry. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing and I couldn't stop the horrible pain in my chest. It felt like my heart was being ripped into two pieces. I tried to stop but I couldn't.

"Please!" I cried. "Please don't tell them!" I screamed, gasping for air before crying.

"Adena," Dylan cried out. "I can't.... I won't lose you too."

"If you tell them they'll just cast me out! They'll send me away so fast and I’ll be gone for a while! I won't graduate or... or be with you or Quinton or Grady! Ever, at all. My mother would never understand nor would she care! Please!"

"I can't just let you keep destroying yourself!”

"After graduation... I'll tell them! I swear! Please! Don't tell them now!" Dylan ran a hand through his hair as he paced around my room.

"Promise me,” he stated bluntly. There was no joking in his tone.

“I promise.”

“Okay," he nodded, turning to me. He looked at me for a moment and I stopped crying. The wanting to cry was still there. "Did I do this?" He questioned, his voice cracking slightly as a couple more tears fell from his eyes. "Did I make you feel so... worthless? Like this is what you had to do?"

"Dylan, stop it," I said, biting my lip. "You had nothing to do with this."

"Oh god! I did, huh? What kind of messed up person am I?” He started pacing and running his hands through his hair. “Dammit!" Dylan screamed before punching my wall. I jumped from the sound and watched as he put his back against the wall and slid towards the ground. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you so hurt by this?" I questioned. I wanted to know why he was in tears, breaking down in the corner of my room.

"Why?” He got up and walked up to me. “Because you are my best friend, Adena! And I didn't even know!” He turned away from. “I didn't know you were hurting yourself! I should have known.  I should have taken all those comments, and sad looks in your eyes as hints! But no! I ignored every sign. I ignored your calls for help because I was being selfish! I was so focused on myself, my life and my problems. I never even...."

Dylan turned back towards me as though asking me to help him understand. His eyes were red and his face was covered with tears. Seeing Dylan in this state wasn't something I'd ever thought I’d see.

"How long?" He questioned.

"What?"

"How long have you been doing this to yourself?" His voice was weak and his hands were shaking.

"Years..."

"Years!” He gasped. “So the whole time I've known you... and I never bothered to ask why you always wore long sleeves. What is wrong with me?" He screamed, taking in a couple deep breaths. We sat in silence, and the silence was better than the conversation. "Why didn’t you tell me?"

"Because, I didn't want to see that look of pure disappointment in your eyes. I didn't want you to think of me any different or look at me like I was a freak..." He started shaking his head.

"Adena, you have to stop cutting."

"I can't!" I shouted, fresh tears springing in my eyes.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"It's not that easy! You can't just tell someone to stop cutting! That's like... telling someone with anorexia to start eating! Or telling someone with cancer to stop being sick! I can't just... stop."

"I didn't say ‘stop cutting’ thinking you could do it right now. I know it's an addiction and I know it's going to be tough but I know you can do it. That's why I said "Stop Cutting"; because I know you can."

"You shouldn't put faith in me Dylan! I'm a failure!" I buried my face in my hands as I yet again began to sob uncontrollably. I was a mess and I knew it. Why do I even try?

"Why did you do it?" He questioned. I looked towards him, seeing that same look in his eyes from before. A look I never wanted to see again.

Pain.

"Because, what good is there in the world? I'm a failure! I can't pass any tests or play sports or make friends! I have no good qualities what's so ever. I'm disgusting and weak." I rose from the ground and started my own pacing. It was now or never. Time to get it all out. "I'm a waste of space... and time. I don't stand out whatsoever! When school's over, I’m screwed! Dylan, no one wants me. No colleges, no family, I have no one! If I died tomorrow, no one would notice! That is how much I am loved. Don’t you see? I don’t belong here! I never did and I never will!"

Dylan rose from the ground and stood in front of me.

"That's not true..."

"How is it not true! My own mother didn't want me, Dylan! You know what's that like?” I screamed at him. I finally reached the breaking point. I knew I was crying and it was a wonder that no one came in.

Then again, I guess I should have expected it.

They never did care enough to check up on me. And all of that was bottled up inside and now it was coming out. There was no turning back now.

“The women who gave birth to me, the woman who's supposed to love me unconditionally, does not. Do you get it? If my own mother didn't want me, then who will?" I threw my hands up to emphasize my next point. “We have been yelling for a while now and no one has come up to check on me! What does that say? They don’t care!”

"Adena. None of that is true.. You're so much more than that! You’re beautiful, funny, and smart. You always make me feel good, even on my bad days. You've helped me time after time, I can't function with you.... I don't care what other’s think! You're not worthless! There are people who care about you. You just need to find them. People do want to be with you...I want to be with you."

His words sent a shock throughout my body and chills down my spine. I looked into his eyes to see if he really meant it. I wanted to see what he said. Not only hear it. His hands reached over and cupped my cheeks. Using his thumb, he wiped away a few stranded tears left on my cheeks. The rest of the tears stopped.

His touch sent butterflies roaming wildly around in my stomach. Dylan stepped closer to me. My heart started to beat slower and slower as our faces inched closer together.

"I want you..." He repeated with a whisper as he planted his lips onto mine. Sparks flew instantly as all tears from before vanished along with all other thoughts. All I could think about was his lips on mine.

I have wanted that for so long.

For the first time in my life, everything felt right. Things seemed like they were going to be okay. Life had meaning.

The kiss deepened and I felt my broken heart start mending back together.