GUILTY (Gabe's Trials)

The flood

I remembered. All I had to do was open my eyes and allow the lyrics to sink in while Gabe's arms were holding me flat against him and it all came rushing back to me -the way he'd held me, the way he'd worshiped me, the way we'd made love and the way I'd given myself to him completely while the same song now put on repeat rang throughout his kitchen back at the mansion. 

"You were going to say it. And then you just stopped." His whispered words sent an electrical wave down my spine, the memory of how much I'd wanted to actually say those words to him making my heart beat faster. And he'd known it. He'd known it all this time. 

"Why?" I wasn't sure whether I was asking him why he was playing that song all the time or why he was saying that to me now.

"Will you ever actually say it?" He paused for a moment, his grip of me tightening. "Do you still love me?" A laugh fought its way past my lips at the thought that he didn't even belive in love. Why was he asking me such a thing?

Thinking about his questions for a second, I found myself slowly shaking my head in dismay. I feared it was too late for us now.

"I'm sorry..." My voice was void of any feelings, my eyes staring blankly right ahead. That was until my murderer used one of his arms as leverage and turned me around, mounting me. My breath instantly hitched, my hands reaching out and automatically snaking into his hair. It was as if he'd flipped a fucking switch in my brain with that action, my entire body now craving for his touch.

"What the fuck are you playing at, Julia? What do you want, dea?" My eyes closed the moment it became too damn hard for me to look into those troubled hazels of his. He was pushing for an answer I was not yet ready to give him. "What. Did. Marco. Do. To. You?" Stressing each word, my murderer patiently waited for me to open my eyes again -which I did. The saddest look I'd ever seen etched on somebody's face had taken over Gabriel's handsome features, turning the man I loved into a true masterpiece. 

"It doesn't matter anymore. It's over." I knew that my feeble attempt to get him off my back was not going to work again, both my heart and mind preparing themselves for the moment I could no longer avoid that question.

"You need help, dea. I'm here for you, so let me help you, for God's sake." There was despair in his voice, his hands framing my face, his thumbs gently stroking my cheeks. "Now, I'm gonna ask you again. What did he do to you?" Tears burned my eyes, Jessie's song ending as if on cue, Disclosure's Magnets starting to play instead. 

Finally catching my murderer off guard, I quickly stood up from the bed, placing as much distance as possible between me and the man who was trying to force me to remember everything I was trying so hard to forget. His eyes were wide with worry the moment he looked at me, his hands slightly raised in surrender. I knew that he was not going to move a muscle until I calmed down, the thought instigating a sigh of relief from me.

"I told you everything you wanted to know, dea. I told you things I've never thought I'd say to anybody because I trust you. I only ask for the same thing in return. I need you to also trust me. You need to give me something -anything. It breaks me to see you like this without being able to do anything about it." I wanted to tell him that there was nothing to be done about it. I wanted to tell him that I had nothing left to give. That I no longer trusted anybody. 

"What do you wanna know?" My voice was weak, tears streaming down my face once more. It felt like all I ever did lately was crying. 

"Everything. I need to know everything." Turning my back to the bed Gabriel was still lying on, I closed my eyes for only a brief second, the walls I'd built around me crumbling to the ground just as Lorde started saying something about a point of no return. How very fitting... My conscience mumbled, finally making me snap under pressure.