ROAD TO HEAVEN

CHAPTER ONE

During my fourth and last year in high school, I realized I was under so much stress due to a lot of reasons. I got dumped by my girlfriend on Valentine's day after a relationship that lasted exactly a year(minus 5 hours). Even though our relationship was nothing more than a ride of an adventure on the side of the bed. But she was keeping me company. Also, I just figured out that my parents didn't want me in the first place. Just imagine that, being dumped on Valentine's day and acquiring knowledge that you're forsaken by the people who brought you into this life. I got no choice but to turn me into a suicidal teenager. I really tended to take my own life by my own hand after both of these things that happened to me. I tried to suicide attempts but none of them worked for me: my first attempt is to hang myself but the line snapped. The second one, I consumed lots of medicine pills (blood pressure, diabetes, heart) and yet, I didn't succeed in killing myself, I only left myself in the ICU for a couple of days being tormented in total pain, misery and loneliness.

Yes, my life is a live in hell. My father said pretended that my life is a gift and I should be thanking God for something I didn't want and didn't ask for. I was never that much of a believer in God. From his attempts to make me live my "gift", my father used to say:"it's fate and it's meant to be". I've never been that much of an admirer to these kind of facts. On the contrary, I despite these things. Just the idea that your life is manipulated and it's all was known to be, I just freak out when I realize those kind of things. The idea itself is just horrible: just imagine, someone from above controlling your actions as a doll of his own.

After I failed in my suicidal attempts and couldn't take my own life, I have switched my anger towards books. Guiding all of my negative feelings into books, each time with a new one in my hand, trying to uncover its meanings, finding out what the author is trying to say between the lines of his/her writings. I started to spend most of my free time in my room, becoming an introvert, maybe with a bit of a melancholic spices. I've been reading for the first time in my life this book for the second time. I've never done this before, I always read a book once, not more. But somehow this one managed to take my heart within it. 'how to become a great dad", was its title, somehow there was this paragraph I've been reading over and over again, it was his last one, but still the greatest one of all:

" As I was on my way home back from my travels, I found a homeless boy, holding a sign within it written "need money for food, drunken father and dead mother", I couldn't stand the sight of him. How could a little boy like this be thrown away in the dark streets, exposed to all kinds of abominations: drugs, alcohol, pedophilia and all kinds of abuse. I went straight to him and said:" where's your father?", he didn't answer, he just cried out loud, and for every tear that went down on his coaled cheek, my heart burned. I couldn't stand the sight I've seen: a motherless child with a company of a drunken father. I tried to calm him down, as he stopped crying I asked him again and he said: " I don't know, he said he'll come back and he didn't, it's been five months since I last saw him", Five months! how could he leave his son five months alone to be eaten by corrupted people. I smiled, in attempt to get the boy smile back and said: " What's your name kid?", he answered me in no time:"Kevin".

- So, Kevin. Come with me, from now on, you'll be my boy.

I could've seen the brightness of light shine in his eyes as he heard those words, and he just throw himself over me, and crying out of happiness saying:" thank you", I didn't reply I just started crying in silence, and took his hand and carried him to my house all along with me. All this time, I've been searching for the rules that required someone to be a dad, while I forgot that I can create rules of my own: getting a little orphan boy's smile was enough to be a great dad"

I got really deep within this paragraph in particular, I always end up with a tear on my cheek each time I finish it, probably pitying my state of a forsaken bastard, or it's just a way that my 18 year old unconscious is still desiring a dad while he doesn't need it any longer. My thoughts got interrupted by hearing a rough voice: "What are you doing boy?", it was my father who finds pleasure by tormenting me with his interruption of my readings. I turned to him, gave him a fake smile then said:"Obviously I'm reading a book, old man"

- is it related to your studies?

-no, it's related to something I never had.

- And that thing you never had, what would it be?

- Hmmmm..... it's a DAD.

I could've seen the rage in his eye, that look was one hell of a real extremist one. he started screaming:"How dare you say such a thing in front of your father!" I've realized that he was going to start a war, I closed the book, stepped, walked next to him then said:"you're my father, my biological one, my flesh and blood, I admit that to you" then I poked him on the chest by my middle finger and continued: "but, you'll never be able to become my dad, ever." his face turned red and he held his hand high, in an attempt to slap me. I laughed then said: "so, you're going to slap your abomination of a son, go ahead, I'm waiting for it, bring it on old man." He kept looking at me, his eyes got half closed, then he put his hand down. " I don't think so, see you, father." I got out, leaving him to rot in his rage. I went out side of the house, put a cigarette between my lips, held on it with anger, lit it and started inhaling. Cigarettes was the only one there for me, I always thought that I'm in love cigarettes. At least it's the best love story that I know. me, the smoker, is dying for the cigarette, while the cigarette is burning for me and fading to ashes with nothing left of it but the filter. I kept thinking that way until I burned my finger. "Damn you father" that's the only sentence that got out of my mouth. I turned around and realized that there's no one in my entourage. That was quiet lonely, but it's better than having hypocrites all around. I decided to call for a taxi. I kept myself patient by smoking. As the taxi came, I got in and said to the driver: "Good evening"

- Good evening to you too, where would you like to go sir?

- to the bar please.

NsFZ