Everything and anything RDJ

Tony Stark before Civil War (Tony x Reader)

A/N - this is just a pre-warning to anyone who suffers from PTSD, Anxiety like me 🙃 or from anything that triggers easier as this will be quite the descriptive one shot. Don't want anyone out there to have an attack because of this...
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No one understood things the way that Tony did, no one had seen the things he had seen.

A whole 4 months had passed since the Ultron fiasco. The city was on clean up, people were being rehabilitated and relocated to safer places after being pried from their homes. Tony, being the genius, philanthropist that everyone knew, decided that since he had a part to play in the wreckage of the city, he was responsible for cleaning up and providing new and affordable accommodation for the victims and their families.

"Hey." Came a voice that could only belong to the captain, and his long term 'frienemy' if you will. "Cap." He sighed, defeat prominent in his voice. "And to what do I owe this pleasure of your presence?"
"Well, Tony, that's the thing. I'm here for you."
"Me? What have I done wrong now? I joined Fury's secret boyband, somewhat followed his orders, almost died, created a evil robot that destroyed a city, funded for it all to be rebuilt. What could you possibly want with me?"
"No, no, no. It's not what you've done, that not why I'm here. Tony, honestly, how are you?" Steve asked as his face softened as he sank into the sofa next to Tony.

It been a long time since Tony had heard that question, well, with meaning at least. Come to think of it, the last time he heard that was when Pepper... Pepper... No no, it can't have been, but... Yes, it was true. It was one of the very last things that was said to him by his long term, ex-long term, girlfriend. They never had, what you would call a 'stable relationship' as such, things had always been rocky between them. She was in charge of his company while he was out, saving the world from destruction, of which he was part to blame, but that's not the point.

Even when he was at home, he was working. And when he broke it to her, he knew things were going south, even before she burnt up into the 'hot mess' he loved.

"Nothing's been the same since New York."
"Oh really? Well, I didn't notice that. At all."
"You experience things. And then they're over and you still can't explain them. Gods, Aliens, other dimensions. I'm just a man, in a can. The only reason I haven't cracked up, is probably because you moved in, which is great. I love you, I'm lucky. But honey,... I can't sleep. You go to bed, I come down here and do what I know... I tinker. Threat is imminent, and I have to protect the one thing, that I can't live without... That's you. And my suits, they're.... Uhhhh..."
"Machines."
"They're a part of me."
"A distraction."
"...maybe..."

"Tony?"
"Huh? What? Sorry, my mind was going places." He hesitated as Steve's powerful, authoritative voice brought him back to the present. "Tony, I want you to be honest with me. I'm worried about you, heck the whole team is worried about you. How are you, tell me how you are really feeling?"
"Honestly" he began, looking into Steve's eyes "not great."
"Tell me, give me a way to help you."
"That's the thing. You can't."
"Surely, there's some way-"
"No Steve, you don't get it." He huffed, rising from his seated position to stand an pace. "When I signed up for this, I didn't realise things would become so... so... Distressing. Fury wanted me to help, be part of the Avengers Initiative. I never planned for this to happen, for innocent lives to be put on the line because of my own stupidity."

"Tony, no one knew Ultron would do what he did, we didn't know his intentions."
"But Steve, can't you see, that's it. I messed up, real bad and look where it's got me. S.H.I.E.L.D are constantly on my ass for what happened, the UN have probably signed a warrant for my death, WSC probably want the same."
"It was a mistake, yeah it caused a lot of disruption-"
"People died Rogers, innocent people died. I got one of our own killed. Pietro was just a kid, Steve. I can't look Wanda in the eye knowing I killed her brother."
"He sacrificed himself to save Clint and the little boy he was trying to protect."
"But why were we there in the first place, huh? To stop the deranged robot I created to save and protect the world, from destroying it."