Lizzie's Song

Chapter 6- Souls

When Brother Morton returns to the cells, he finds Thomas sipping coffee on the cot, his blanket draped over his shoulders, "Good evening, Brother. Are you staying warm?"

"Yes, but not without a few extra layers of socks. You appear a bit chilly."

"Lizzie brought around extra socks for us this morning, but the wind is cutting and creeps through the door on the other end. I feel it when it gusts. Mr York's boilers cannot keep up."

"It's bitter out there today."

"I hope you did not have to come far in this weather."

"Mr York provided a room. His house is warm."

"I should not complain. Allerdale Hall was far worse in the winter. The Yorks do well, all things considered, keeping it warm and dry here. At least this place has a roof."

"Your house had no roof?"

"The central tower rotted away long ago."

"Oh. I have heard that it was once a grand place."

"Once. But inside it has always been harsh."

"That has also been conveyed. It seems most of the town knows of your father's temper."

"And probably his lust."

"Oh?"

"He hated women, but conquering them was something he relished. I overheard some of his fights with Mother- before he beat her silent. He would taunt her so cruelly with stories of his time in other beds."

"And did this unnerve you?"

"I was a child. Hearing my parents fight unnerved me. Terrified me, actually. Sex was...complicated. Something our parents did, but our mother not always willingly. Something our father took whenever he demanded it. Something horrible naughty children sneaked into the library to discover in books. Something young girls were never to think about lest they be beaten. And something young boys were to learn to make into a game. Looking back...everything in my childhood is unnerving at its most mild."

"And in your adulthood?"

"Unnerving is far too light a word. Disturbing. Horrifying. Disgusting. And despicable. There were moments of light, but so few..."

"You speak in the past."

"Because I believe that it will end shortly and I am in a neutral time. A state where life is no longer being lived."

"And what do you believe will happen to you after?"

"After what?"

"After death."

"Nothing. I will cease to be."

"Does this frighten you?"

Thomas shakes his head, "No. Being has been far too difficult. Ending will be simple. A relief."

"Some believe in an afterlife."

"And what of me in it? Heaven would not open its doors to me, no matter how much I repented. Hell would be far too cruel after a life of torment. So I choose neither. And I do not want to wander this world, a haunting. I would rather end."

"Why do you deny the possibility of forgiveness?"

Thomas sips his coffee and thinks before choosing his words, "Because I cannot forgive myself and do not deserve to, nor do I think any benevolent god would allow what I have done. Therefore I am either a creature rejected by god and not under his watch, which is somewhat less than appealing, or I am merely a man who has lived a horrible life and my actions are my own."