Lizzie's Song

Chapter 15- Life and Death

Nathaniel drives the horses hard through the evening and into the night, Lizzie alert beside him. She does not dare to sleep. The ride to Carlisle seems to take even longer than usual as she goes over the words from the letter over and over again. She has not yet read what he wrote in her notebook, even thought she is curious. She took his request to wait to heart. But it is hard, on this long trip over a very cold night, not to wonder what he had to say to her. And to wonder what his life could have been had he left Crimson Peak permanently before anyone else had to die. She wonders how his sister slamming a cleaver into their mother's head hadn't been a warning sign that the future with her would be violent, but at the same time, she has some understanding as to why he did not leave. She read the confessions. She thinks about the conversation she heard in the carriage, and Brother Morton, who has only just been allowed to return to his own home, and the knife wound Thomas is still recovering from.

She does not know that he has already decided to die and that he is only waiting for the moment when he can somehow distract the guards long enough to use his belt to hang himself. That he sits in his cell in Carlisle hoping that she will forgive him, but also knowing she will no longer have to wonder when he will die. It will be over.

In the morning, Thomas eats breakfast and reads for a few hours. Lunch is as disappointing as usual. And then there is a ruckus from elsewhere in the jail and his guards both run towards the noise as they hear shouts for help. It is his opportunity. He slips the belt from his waist, makes the loop, and ties the end to the bars on the ground-level window. He stretches it over to the cot and takes a few breaths, hesitating, knowing that this will be a long and difficult strangulation, but it will still be a shorter death than that to which he subjected three of his brides. He places the leather around his neck.

Nathaniel and Lizzie spend their morning settling into their rooms in Mr Hayes' house. They take their breakfast and wait for word from the governor. At lunch, it comes. A visit has been granted and, given the letter from Mr York, it will not be the only one. Mr York has friends in many places.

Mr Hayes gets word of trouble in the prison shortly after the letter arrives and advises them to stay put until he sends for them. He is not gone long and they head to the prison to see Thomas.

Thomas still stands on his cot, contemplating the noose, when he hears footsteps and Gerry's voice, "Glad that wasn't much serious. Boys tend to get a bit rowdy this time of year- been pent up for too long in the cold and dark. Come spring, the sun will come through the windows, give a bit of relief." It is now or never. He only hopes he can jump with enough force to cause damage that will kill him even after they cut him down.

Then he hears another voice, one he recognizes as well, "This time of year gets to us all, doesn't it, gov? Even out where we're from. Too long in the grey!"

He stops. There is silence, then Gerry chuckles, "Aye, Miss, you're right about that."

She's here, Thomas thinks. And then they round the corner and everyone freezes.

Nathaniel breaks the uncomfortable silence as they see into his cell, "Well this is a bit different than how we expected to find you. Hallo, Thomas."

Thomas bows his head, ashamed of being caught, dreading trying to explain himself, and also blaming himself for cowardice in his hesitation, "Hello, Nathaniel. Lizzie."

She steps forward first, but Gerry tries to stop her, "Miss, technically I'm not supposed to let you go ahead."

She pushes his hand back and shakes her head, intense worry mixed with anger in her expression. She continues toward the cell. Thomas removes the noose and steps down, leaving the end of the belt to dangle from the window. He drops onto the cot, his head in his hands.