When We're Both Thirty

Really Long Chapter Where All That Is Achieved Is Fucking

Gerard stands in front of Frank's door for a good five minutes with his heart racing so fast it's probably going to make the speed of light feel bad about itself. He can barely even breathe right now, because he doesn't want to do this. Gerard's not in any position where he's okay with being around Frank. It just baffles him that he has to do this, because this just sucks.

Gerard almost considers forgetting the phone entirely and letting it stay there forever, because then, he can avoid Frank for the rest of their lives. He doesn't have any missile launch codes on that phone, it's not a huge deal, really. Except he kind of likes his phone, and it was kind of expensive, and he doesn't have any money for a replacement. He also has pictures saved on that phone that he probably won't want anyway, but he doesn't remember how much of his stuff is actually on there. He really can't just leave it. Not when he knows he can get it back.

He would be content to pretend he'd never known Frank though. He would be okay with leaving and never looking back, because from here, he doesn't really have to have Frank in his life. He can put up with a disappointed mother, an irritated brother, all that. Anything to not see Frank. Anything to stifle this stupid crush he has.

That's what he keeps telling himself it is. It's just a crush. Nothing major. Just a small little crush that he'll be able to kill if he waits long enough. Gerard's not sure he really believes in the phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' He hopes he doesn't believe in that phrase at least. Because, what if being away from Frank makes things worse? What if he wants Frank even more? That could be catastrophic on so many different planes. It's not even worth thinking about.

He doesn't know how to avoid this inevitability though. If he stays away from Frank he might want Frank more, but if he gets too close, he might still really want Frank as well. There's just no foreseeable situation where he can say with certainty that he won't want Frank. Even if Frank were dead he might still not be any better. He'd probably feel worse, because then he'd be filled with those fears of what could have been. That longing sounds even more painful than the other two options he has.

Everything's all just so fucked up.

Frank is hot, and Gerard really did think that he was just going to be able to swallow that knowledge without it having to affect him, but that didn't happen. He thought that being attracted to Frank physically would be as far as it would go. That's not what ended up happening either. It's driving him insane that he can't get rid of this stupid feeling. He just wants it gone.

Frank has a picture of the two of them in his wallet for god's sake. Frank keeps that with him. Wherever he goes, Gerard is literally always with him. That's not even comprehensible. That's just not right. Enemies don't miss the days when they were friends. Gerard's pretty sure he never read anything about Voldemort wanting to make friendship bracelets with Harry Potter. These things don't happen. You don't just have a crush on your nemesis. This isn't right.

Except Gerard can't help but deny that it's what he's feeling, and it won't go away.

Gerard's hand won't move. It won't lift itself up and it won't knock on Frank's door. There's something stopping him, every time he thinks he's about to, he can't actually make his fist meet the wood. It's like someone's tied a bungee cord to his elbow and every time Gerard is about to knock, he's pulled back. It's just not happening.

He can't will the knocking to happen. His whole body is protesting. His brain is protesting pretty well too except for this annoying little voice in the back of his head telling him that he should do it. Telling him he wants to, that he should just stop being a chicken. Just knock. That's all he has to do.

Gerard's arm feels like it's possessed when he loses the strength to stop himself, and all of a sudden he's looking at his hand rattling against the front door to Frank's apartment. He's so angry with himself for doing this.