tw: self harm, suicide, swearing, vomiting
ages: dan-25. phil-29.
words: 1907
phil stumbled across some messages he was never meant to.
PHIL'S POV
I stare at Dan's phone on the coffee table, conflicted.
I know he's out at the moment, so I wouldn't get caught, and it's not like I'm going through his personal stuff, I'm just going to tweet something stupid and maybe take a few selfies, right?
I lean over and grab his phone, biting my lip, trying to think what the passcode might be. I type in 2009, feeling my heart melt when I get it right. I smile, glad that our friendship is just as important to Dan as it is to me. I take a few pouty selfies, and some with my tongue out, knowing Dan would find them at some point or other.
I'm about to go onto Twitter when a notification goes off, it reads message to Phil's old phone failed to send: 15 minutes ago
I frown, clicking on it and thinking about why on earth Dan would text my old phone. It takes me to his messages with 'me', but my frown deepens when I see there's more than one not delivered message, without reading any I scroll up, reaching the top after a few seconds. The date reads from a few months back, adding to my confusion.
It's 00:52 and I don't think I'll ever let you see these but I desperately need to rant to someone and you've always said I can talk to you about anything so here goes
I gulped, by reading on, am I invading Dan's privacy? But if they were meant for me in the first place then surely he wouldn't mind?
I'm so useless Phil
I'm sat here crying my eyes out whilst you're sleeping next door and I'm so fucking gross
What am I doing with myself
I can't stand being me and I don't know how anyone can be near me when I'm such a fucking disgusting and pathetic excuse for a human being
I make myself want to be sick
00:55
I lift my hand to cover my mouth, letting out a whimper as I read the things Dan had been saying. Is this what he thinks of himself? Why has he never tried to talk to me properly about it? I read on, feeling sick at what I'm seeing.
And one day I'm going to kill myself and destroy the lives around me like I'm doing to myself now
And I'm so glad you'll never see these
Because I just want to kill myself over and over again without hurting anybody but me
And I don't want to leave you but I don't want to live and either way I'm fucking terrified of myself and what I'm capable of doing Phil
00:58
I choke back a sob, seeing one of my tears fall onto the screen of his phone but not bothering to wipe it off.
