Adopted By The Cullen's

{Chapter 11} These Scars

WARNING: this chapter is kind of heavy, just so you know. it's not exactly a relevant chapter so i guess you could skip it if the idea of depressioin scares you... i'd rather you not though (;

Chapter 11

It was 3:00am and I was still wide awake. I couldn’t sleep and honestly, I didn’t want to. I had so much to sort out, so much to do and so little time.

“Are you okay? I know you’ve had a lot to take in.” Jace whispered. I was still wrapped in his arms and I was pretty sure he wasn’t planning on letting go anytime soon.

“I’m fine.” I said.

“You don’t look fine.” I looked up at him to see him frowning. Of course I wasn’t fine but sometimes it was easier to tell people I was fine than having to explain to them why I wasn’t.

“Then stop looking.” I snapped. I flinched slightly at my tone and looked away from him. Jace sighed and didn’t try to make conversation with me again. After a few more minutes of silence I whispered: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m overtired and you’re right, it’s a lot to take it. You, your family, my father…” I trailed off, trying to ignore the pain. He didn’t answer, just kissed my hair and started to hum my lullaby. I moved my head into the crook of his neck and closed my eyes. I knew I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight –I was pretty sure the night was almost over anyways.

“Tell me something.” He said after a while. I hummed in response. “Tell me what goes through your head when you lie and say you’re fine.”

“What goes through my mind is that ‘I can’t let people know how broken I am.’”

“You don’t have to do that. Not with me.” He squeezed me against him and I smiled slightly.

“I’m a little more broken than you think.” He shook his head.  He was quiet again, which meant he was thinking.

“I want you to tell me something else.” He said after a while. I nodded my head. “But it’s a little personal and I don’t want you to feel pressured to tell me anything.” I waited. “Tell me about your scars.” He whispered. I looked down at my wrists and stared at the little white scars. I turned them over self-consciously.  Jace reached forward and grabbed both my wrists, turning them back over and running his thumbs over the lines. I looked up at his face.  He looked so sad, like me cutting was hurting him.

“What about them?” I asked. “What do you want to know?” He looked away from my scars and into my eyes.

“What made you do it, the first time you did it, what you feel when you do it… just everything.” I stared into his eyes.

“Why?” I couldn’t understand why anyone would care.

“Because I want to know every little thing about you and I want to minimize that mountain on your shoulder.” He shrugged. I watched him a little while longer before sighing and looking down.

“The first time I cut was when I was thirteen. It was after I told Jonah I had cancer… he was devastated because he’d lost mom and dad was away and he was afraid to lose me too. After that I told a few friends and it really scared them and they all looked so hurt. All I could think was one day I was going to be gone and I was going to hurt them. That was the first time I felt numb. I’d heard of girls cutting, I’d heard it helped the pain so I tried it. I found a sharpener in a drawer in Mary’s desk and unscrewed the razor from the plastic. I took it upstairs into the bathroom and I shut and locked the door. I ran water from the sink and I placed the razor over my skin. I knew to cut horizontally and not vertically, unless I wanted to die. And then I did it. I slid the razor across my skin and watched the blood wash into the sink. I didn’t feel numb anymore.”