discontinued // my winged warrior // phan

❀ Ten ❀

~Confessions~

Dan

I was mad. I was mad at myself. I was mad at Phil. I was mad at myself for being mad at Phil.

It didn't make much sense.

But I had to keep kissing Chris. I had to. I'm not sure if it was to convince myself that he was the one I was kissing, as much as I wanted to think otherwise. But kissing him was all I could do not to collapse.

It hurt. Kissing him. But it also seemed to numb the other pain in my head.

That night Chris gave me a ride home. I stared out the window into the soft rain falling. I wanted to sit in the rain. I wanted to sit in the rain and tell Phil all my problems. But I was still in the car.

I wanted to lie down on the grass staring up at the night sky with him at my side. I wanted to tell him what he meant to me.

But I was still in the car.

☾❀☽

The next day at school, I didn't see him. Phil, I mean. He wasn't there.

I wondered if he was okay. I still didn't have the strength to do anything. I hoped he was okay.

I should never have yelled at him like that. Phil was slightly afraid of me when I was talking, let alone shouting.

I could still see it so clearly. I could still envision his scared expression perfectly in my mind. I wanted to get it out of my head. I wanted to not feel bad anymore.

Since Phil was gone, I had to eat lunch with Chris. I wanted to make him happy. For some reason, more than anything, I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay.

I needed to.

I knew that I might slip again if I thought about the things that hurt.

The school was oddly empty that day. The halls seemed abandoned, the classes somehow different without him there. Like all the colour was drained out of my life.

But that wasn't the worst part of my day. That happened last.

I cut fifth period early. It was boring there. I went to the outside of Phil's fifth period class, and pulled out my phone to text him. Maybe he would skip and we could go to the woods.

And then I remembered.

He wasn't here.

Suddenly, I was sitting next to Chris, in the passenger seat of his car.

I didn't know how I'd gotten there. I was afraid.

I blinked a few times, trying to rid my eyes of the tears that were there for some reason.

"Dan? Are you okay?"

I looked up at him. I forced a smiled.

"Fine! Sorry, I just spaced."

He nodded, but still looked concerned.