Phan One Shots

It hurts Phil sometimes

A/N: I was just tired of reading all these you know which video fics where they made up and we're all friends and happy again, so of course my terrible brain was like "what if they never made up?" Oh god what have I done? Why the fuck did I do this to our perfect cinnamon roll Phil? I know most of these are fluffy but this one... ANGST. TW of course. Have, uh.... Fun? Tears? I don't know anymore.

Disclaimer: I do not in any way pretend this is real and I do not own Dan and Phil.

"YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN IT DOWN!" Dan screamed, "IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU NEVER SHOULD'VE FILMED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT!"

Dan looked like he wanted to throw something, his face was red and he was screaming, every word ripping from his throat as he looked at Phil across the room. His eyes held something fierce, something scared and hateful and utterly angry. Something Phil would've never thought would be directed towards him.

This was the expression Phil had only ever seen once before, when they were at a bar and they'd been ambushed by a gang, and Dan had been protecting Phil.

And Phil just took it, just slumped as he grew smaller and smaller because he didn't want to be fighting right now, he wanted to be calmly discussing how to fix the problem, or maybe even comforting Dan. Anything was better than this.

"I CAN'T- I DON'T BELIEVE-" Dan screamed, pulling at his hair, so incredibly angry that he was unable to form full sentences, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE PHIL! THAT VIDEO- IT NEEDS TO BE FORGOTTEN AND THERE CAN'T BE AN US ANYMORE! I CAN'T DO THIS."

Out of all the situations that Phil could've imagined where this went horribly wrong when he woke Dan up ten minutes ago and told him what had happened, this wasn't one of them. This was so much worse. His mind couldn't wrap itself around Dan's words. They were forever. Dan was everything, and he took Phil to the top of the world.

Not anymore, apparently. This whole time Phil had felt only sadness and fear for Dan's emotions. But now, he felt panic. He feared for himself. Phil could barely breathe; he said forever, he said never would this happen, he said there was nothing that could change them. But Dan was leaving him. Phil stopped thinking, he couldn't move and he was shaking, glued to the floor and his words finally broke through his panic because he had to stop this or everything he'd worked for, everything he loved would be gone.

"You can't- you won't- don't do this Dan! I need you I- we can still fix this! We can fix it, we can, we'll tell them it was a prank, we'll-" Phil grasped for anything to convince Dan to stay with him, "I'LL DO ANYTHING! You're everything I have, you can't-"

Phil was shaking, and he never raised his voice at Dan. He couldn't breath, his brain had turned to sludge, and everything was too slow and too fast all at the same time and he didn't know what to do.

"No, Phil. We can't fix this. It's your mess, your video. I'm done with you."

Dan's eyes were cold and Phil didn't know what was happening inside his head. Then, he turned and stormed down the hall to his room.

Phil started shaking, and he sat down and wrapped his arms around his knees and he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath everything was blurry and there was too much panic and it was in his head and he couldn't get it out and he was trying to scream and nothing.

Phil passed out on the floor of the living room. He hadn't had a panic attack since the 9th grade and it was all too much.

Phil blinked, and he sat up off the floor and then he remembered. His life has been torn to shreds and it was all over, all gone. He just sat there for a long time, shaking with quiet sobs that he was sure weren't entirely his own as he heard them coming from Dan's room too.

Later that day Phil braced himself as he picked up his laptop and promised himself he would be strong as he opened up YouTube, his stomach twisting with dread.

The first thing Phil did was take down the video. Then, he made a post on his Twitter with the best explanation he could think of, how he and Dan had made it up as an April fools prank and had chickened out from posting it for fear that it would be too mean to the fans. Even Phil didn't really think it was viable, but it was the best he had.

Then, he began scrolling through the comments.

Many of them were "PHAN IS REALL ADSDFJKKL" "lol I knew it" "Phan confirmed 2012!" Phil even came across some replies telling people to keep out of Dan and Phil's personal life and that it wasn't their business. These really touched him; the fans must know the video being posted was accidental.

Phil replied to as many as he could explaining "what had happened." Then he clicked over to Twitter and replied to all the tweets there, and replied to comments on every other social media. Then he texted all of his friends (especially Louise, who notified him of the video being posted in the first place). Finally, Phil gulped as he read several different news articles, including "DAN AND PHIL ACCIDENTAL OUTING!!" "BRITISH YOUTUBER SCANDAL!" and "Phil Lester releases video professing his love for Dan Howell!" (The last one he thought was a bit ridiculous).

Phil finally sighed, exhausted, at 5:30 am as he pushed his laptop to the side and promptly fell asleep.

...

It hurts Phil sometimes. It's 2014 now, and he'd honestly tried his hardest to get Dan back. He'd done everything he could think of; that first week he'd destroyed himself coming up with every plan he could. It was over now, Phil didn't understand why Dan was so stubborn, so terrified of a repeat.

But he'd convinced Dan to stay. Not with him, of course, but in the house. He'd pleaded for him not to move out, got down on his knees and begged, and he supposed some part of Dan would've missed him too, because he agreed to stay. He'd come up with some half-assed excuse about the fans, which he had been neglecting already and Phil hadn't thought they would be surprised.

Eventually, Phil grew to accept it. After a while, Dan stopped ignoring him and everything was how it used to be.

Well, except for the kisses. And the late nights snuggled together and the dates and the holding hands and the smiles brighter than the sun.

Phil was destined to be Dan's platonic best friend forever.

Everything went back to normal, but at the slightest mention of love or relationships Dan would grow cold and distant for days on end.

And then everything would go back to normal again.

Except Phil.

Phil had stopped crying a long time ago, but whenever a particularly hard day hit him or he saw Dan looking at someone else he would find himself up at three am with a blanket and a bowl of ice cream. Sometimes Dan would join him, but never would Phil tell him what was wrong. He knew if he did, Dan would move out or go cold again and he couldn't take that.

On the very worst Days after Phil's rare attempts to get Dan back, he would pull up some Fanfiction. Not just any Fanfiction about Dan and him getting married at whatnot (he couldn't handle those), but ones about the very video that had destroyed his life.

He would look up the ones where everything went right, where he and Dan kissed it all away afterwards and never let go again.

It was just a fantasy.

Once, he even had the courage to look through Dan's search history. Along with a lot of Twitter and YouTube and a lot of looking up memes, he found one of the stories he himself liked to read on the worst days.

It was on wattpad.

Unfinished reading.

But then Dan had caught him looking through the search words and Twitter pages (although Phil had closed the wattpad tab in time), he'd yelled and gone distant for a few days again.

Phil hadn't been able to bring himself to confront him.

...

It hurts less now.

It's 2016, and Phil has hidden it all deep inside him. The bad days are fewer, and he doesn't think about it more than twice a month.

The last attempt he made was a year ago.

But that tiny spark of hope is ruining him, and he knows he will try again.

Someday.