Wall Street Poetry

Proving the Existence of Wall Street

Surprisingly, the Good Lord's

and Wall Street's existence can

undisputedly and simply

be deducted from beginner's chemistry

applied to the hottest fires in Hell

regardless

for Whom they are reserved.

Is Hell more exothermic

(giving off heat)

or endothermic (absorbing heat)?

Most students write proofs of their beliefs

using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands

and heats when it is compressed)

or some variant.

Dante, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know

how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So we need to know the rate

at which souls are moving into Hell

and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that

once a soul gets to Hell,

it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell,

let's look at the different religions

that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that

if you are not a member of their religion,

you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions

and since people do not belong to more than one religion,

we can safely project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are,

we can expect the number of souls in Hell

to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change

of the volume in Hell

because Boyle's Law states

that in order for the temperature

and pressure in Hell

to stay the same,

the volume of Hell has to

expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate

than the rate at which souls enter Hell,

then the temperature and pressure in Hell

will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate

faster than the increase of souls in Hell,

then the temperature and pressure will drop

until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate

given to me by Tiffany

during my Freshman year that,

"it will be a cold day in Hell

before I go out with you",

and take into account the fact

that I went out with her last night,

then number 2 must be true,

and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic

and has already frozen over.

The corollary of Dante's theory is

that since Hell has frozen over,

it follows that it is not accepting

any more souls and is therefore extinct

... leaving only the pure heaven of Wall Street

thereby proving the existence of a divine being,

which explains why last night

Tiffany kept shouting "Oh, my God!"